Big Brother
The King Is Dead. Long Live the King!

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Jessica: B+ | Grade It Now!
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The King Is Dead. Long Live the King!

Yeah, more breakdown footage. Holy crap, woman, for the love of God, get a hold of yourself. While Nicole is slumped on the basketball court, staring depressed at the lawn, another banner plane flies over. This banner reads: "Nicole, Stay and Torment Will For Me." It's from Jeff. Nicole just cries some more. "I can't believe I got another banner!" Will exclaims cheerfully.

In the Big Blue Chair of Personality Disorders, Nicole snaps that her only goal is to torment Will. Maybe you ought to try placing the blame for all this where it belongs, Nicole: on yourself. You were the one giving the footjob! ["Plus she fucked up and took her hand off her key. It's not like she's Mistress Crow and Will is all Master Reynard tricking her into dropping her cheese." -- Wing Chun] How is this Will's fault? ["Exactly." -- Wing Chun]

Will slathers on a white facial mask and goes to the Diary Room, where he calls Nicole "the mean queen behind the scenes," and explains that she really doesn't want to leave the show, because she doesn't want to give up that control.

Okay, America's Choice Time. Where are the Survivors? Anyway, America chooses to give the houseguests a Winter Wonderland in their backyard. They all yell and scream with simulated joy, but Nicole can't keep it up for more than a minute and starts bitching about how much she hates the snow and how unhappy she is about all the taxidermied animals standing around. Her first words? "I hate snow." In the Diary Room, It'sOnica makes a disgusted face. "Some people just like to complain," she says.

After about a minute, the houseguests are bored by the snow. Will tries to have fun -- plaintively asking for a sled, pretending the stuffed polar bear is talking, making a snowman -- but, frankly, the snowy yard is a bit of a bust.

Finally, the Survivors show up. For ten minutes, there is nothing but squealing. People hug. I can't tell you what anyone said, because it's all just high-pitched squawking.

After a hundred years of yelling, each houseguest takes a Survivor into the Diary Room, where everyone talks about how excited they are. Excited! Then they run out to the patio to chit-chat. Nicole complains that Will is making her sick because he doesn't really know any of the Survivors. "I don't care," he retorts. "I like them better than all of you." People laugh. Everyone talks. Nicole complains. About everything: the game, Will, her life in general. Eventually they get around to arguing over which game is harder, Big Brother or Survivor. Frankly, I think having to eat rats and bugs trumps not being able to escape your asshole roommates.

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Big Brother

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