It's finale night. At last. Finale night! Yay! Yay, endings! Yay, wrapping it up!
Previously, everyone I didn't hate was evicted. Oh, wait. I hated everyone. Never mind.
Julie Chen looks chic and lovely again in gray pants and a black stretchy top, having apparently packed the pirate clothes back in the trunk a few weeks ago and left them there for good. She reminds us of the misery, making out, and farting that's gone before: "Now, there are two." Thank you, Julie. Next season: fractions. She tells us that Lisa and Danielle had a soul-baring session after Jason flip-flopped off for his Chenterview. We see Danielle confess to Lisa that she was "diabolical." Interestingly, though, she can't actually seem to come up with a lot of terribly diabolical things that she did. Nevertheless, in the diary room, Danielle smugly smirks yet again that "the ultimate alliance was Jason and [herself]." As Danielle confesses her supposedly evil and tricky nature to Lisa, it becomes clear that Danielle places enormous importance on the fact that people were fooled about her closeness with Jason -- as if that, in and of itself, was brilliant game play. If you think about it, it really isn't. Merely keeping your alliances a secret doesn't actually do anything for you. Part of the reason they weren't discovered is that they didn't do a whole hell of a lot for the first half of the game except lay low. I'm not saying they didn't play well, but this theory Danielle seems to have adopted that she masterminded everything that happened in the house is absurd, and she isn't brilliant just because no one knew about her alliance with Jason. In fact, considering how she reveled in her own brilliance in the DR, I actually think her sneakiness did just as much harm in keeping her out of the money as it did good in bringing her to the final two. In other words, Danielle...you were only occasionally diabolical. A lot of the time you were just staying out of the way. Which is smart, of course, but not necessarily the same as brilliant. "The goal in this game was for people not to know how close Jason and I was," Danielle says. See what I mean? That's the problem, right there. The goal in this game, last time I checked, was to win money, and I'm not sure you get to lay claim to being "the ultimate alliance" unless one of you, you know, wins. Or at least takes over France or something. And bring me one of those little Eiffel Tower statues, would you?
Among other things, Danielle credits herself with having had the idea that the couples needed to be split up, which is crap. Everyone in that house knew how that was progressing, and Gerry was perfectly capable of getting there on his own. Shut up, Danielle. The editors help her out by playing a voice-over of Danielle talking about how she and Jason played so brilliantly every week, getting people out, "Boom, boom, boom, boom," and showing pictures of Lori, Tonya, Amy, and Eric. Of course, Danielle and Jason didn't vote for Lori to be evicted, so counting her as one of their "booms" is a little unfair. If we're doing revisionist history, I'd like to be taller.