Since my road-trip vacation has spilled over into the beginning of the season, I'm coming to you from a DVR-free hotel room in Mitchell, South Dakota. Yes, I'm a Golden Veto's throw from the world-famous Corn Palace, which seems apropos to the occasion somehow. But also, in case I miss something vital because I can't pause or rewind, rest assured that I'll pick it up in the next weecap. The good news is that nothing vital ever happens on this show.
Julie, looking quite normal in a red dress, talks about dynamic duos and uses the phrase "double trouble" as though it means something. Apparently some of my least-favorite past contestants will be back this season, en masse, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it. Huzzah.
So there's the whole intro thing, where we hear all about the show's premise. At least we only hear it once a year, which somehow still seems a little too frequent for my liking. But this time it looks like there will be some twists, with "former pairs" returning, and maybe something else involving a fortune-telling machine? I don't know, I hate this show.
Then Julie comes back to talk some more about dynamic duos, and how it's an all-new twist. Julie says that eight people are about to go into the house to play as pairs -- plus three other pairs will also be returning. So really, it's just a couple of past twists recycled and thrown together. As usual. So let's start meeting the new houseguests, at least one of which you will have completely forgotten about by this time next month.
Dominic, a handsome young guy (he's 25) from San Mateo, talks about riding fast and poses with his motorcycle, but he lives with his mom. Looks like someone hasn't quite reached escape velocity. Cassi, 26, is a model from Nashville, and poses without motorcycle. She also fishes. Lawon is in a men's clothing store, apparently to answer the question you ask yourself when you see brightly colored blazers on the rack, that question being "Who would buy this?" Lawon would, and did. His wardrobe is almost as loud and obnoxious as he is. And dude is 39.
Keith, 32, is both a youth minister from Bolingbrook, IL, and his patron saint would appear to be Smoove B. "I focus on the game and not the girls," he quotes from the Bible. Shelly, 41, is some kind of outdoor company person from Louisiana, and is seen hunting and shooting. Too bad she won't be allowed to bring her weapons into the house. I assume.
Adam, Kalia, and Porsche. My favorite part of the season is when I have to add all these morons' names to my spellcheck dictionary. Adam (39) describes himself as a Heavy Metal Teddy Bear. He's got lots of hair, but it's all on the bottom half of his head. We see him metal-roaring in the club, then sipping appletinis with the girls at a table. Kalia, 30, from Philadelphia, describes herself as "the real-life Carrie from Sex and the City," which gives me a nice head start on hating her. In Miami, Porsche (23) says she's a VIP waitress, and that she's the hottest girl everywhere she goes, so everyone will hate her. Yes, but that's not why.