Big Brother
The Return of the Dick

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Couples Grief Counseling

Then they get spooged with whipped cream. Porsche is slipping, her ass-crack pixilated like blurry distress signal, and she's the next to drop, leaving Rachel and Dick and Danielle still in the game. With nobody left but the veterans, Dick proposes a deal, and Rachel tells them to fall and they'll be safe. Dick goes for it, but Danielle hangs on a little longer, unsure if she can trust Rachel. Of course she can't. But she does anyway, and Rachel's the first HoH, meaning she and Brendon are safe for this week. Why has no one killed me yet? "No one comes between me and my banana!" she brays in the DR. Wait, don't kill me, kill her.

Adam DRs about this throwing off his game. Julie reminds us that Rachel's the new HoH, but there's still another twist yet to come. Please let it be that the first HoH has to leave immediately, forever.

Back from the ads, Julie says that Rachel has to nominate a duo for eviction, but there's another twist. The still-messy houseguests are herded into the living room for a convo with Julie via viewscreen. Julie reminds new HoH Rachel she'll have to nominate two people. One of the two nominees will be evicted, but the other will get a new thing called the "Big Brother Golden Key," which guarantees that person a spot in the top ten. In other words, anyone who is nominated in the first four weeks will be immune during that time and will not participate in any competitions, but will still vote in evictions. Rachel lets out a nervous laugh, which tragically is just as grating as her ordinary laugh. Everyone talks about what this means. "I'm plotting against Danielle right now," Dick announces to the room. Danielle DRs something similar. Rachel calls the Golden Key the ultimate floater, demonstrating her persistent failure to understand what the word "floater" means.

So then there's the customary flogging of the upcoming week and seasons, and then Julie invites us to eavesdrop on the houseguests. They're all still trying to figure out how this whole Golden Key think works. They're probably still going to be figuring this out by next Sunday's episode, I suspect. I also suspect that they will have thought it through more thoroughly than the producers did.

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Big Brother

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