Big Brother
These Two? Really?

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Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
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Farewell, Evil One

Erika tells us that she wants to be next to Mike in F2 if possible, because he'd be easier to beat than her other options. She also thinks that it would be "cute" to have "the two lovebirds" in the final two. Speeee-yack. You're not lovebirds, lady. You're an oblivious ostrich, and he's a disease-ridden pigeon. Fortunately, you shall never reproduce. Mike tells us that Erika thinks that if they get to F3, he's taking her to the finals. "That ain't happenin'," he whispers ostentatiously. Of course, Mike is talking about an F3 with the two of them and Will. Things would play out quite differently with the two of them and Janelle. But I'm sure Erika isn't smart enough to see that coming, right? Nah. She's just a girl. Nothing to worry about. What kind of trouble could she possibly cause?

There is some making out between Erika and Mike, and there's one part where they have to blur her ass in a way that's really quite unusual. It's hard to explain, but we're viewing her from behind, and she's leaning forward, and it appears that they're blurring the part where her ass turns into...her front, if you see what I mean, and her bikini is so tiny that something is being seen that should not be seen, and it's this kind of thing that makes this show so irritating. Do I need a gynecologist's-eye view of anyone? No, I do not. Pile that on top of how totally icky it is to see her and Mike make out to begin with, and my stomach is in full revolt. Mike congratulates himself in the DR on being the "king of reality showmances." He reminds us about Krista, as if any of us have ever forgotten. He also says that he had two "targets" in his mind when he came in -- Diane and Erika. You'll notice that because Erika had a spectacular breakup of which Mike was well aware (being highly connected to the incestuous world of reality-show gossip) and Diane is Diane, he had pre-selected the women most likely to suffer damage from being dicked around. You think that's a coincidence? Yeah, me neither.

Anyway, Mike goes on: "Number one rule in showmancing? Don't ever get real feelings for the person." Erika, on the other hand, DRs that "there might be real feelings," and that she and Mike are "a match made in Big Brother heaven." That must be a very, very strange place. I envision a lot of white robes that aren't worn very often.

And now, Janelle and Will. They flirt; he manages to avoid actually doing anything with her while still making her feel like maybe he will later...it's the same game as always. In the DR, they explain that they both have significant others, and she's so far gone, she doesn't even know how far gone she is. Will then has a solo DR session in which he draws the line between a "flirtmance" and a "showmance," saying that in a flirtmance, like what he has with Janelle, it's just flirting and you don't actually do anything, unlike in a showmance. I have to say, I've seen obsessive-compulsive professional organizers taking on 10,000-piece paper-clip collections that don't compartmentalize as much as Will. He adds that some people probably think he has a showmance with Mike. "There's nothing wrong," he says, "with two men...being in a hot tub...together sometimes." And then he pauses, smiles at us, and says, "Right?" We see a shot in which Will appears to be hiding from Mike inside an inner tube so that they don't look at each other's nakedness in the hot tub. And then he adds, "I think it's a bro-mance." Hee. I have decided that the way I would most enjoy Will is if the diary room were the only way I ever had to experience him.

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Big Brother

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