Big Brother
These Two? Really?

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Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
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Farewell, Evil One

Erika and Janelle smoke and talk later. Erika tells us in the DR that she used to smoke, and then she quit smoking after her grandfather died of emphysema. But now, of course, with all the stress, along with her body's underlying knowledge that if this is all it's going to kiss, it might as well give up, she started smoking again. Mike explains that he doesn't think smoking is "very attractive," and adds that it makes Erika look old, and her breath smells bad and stuff. The idea of using him as a barometer of attractive behaviors leaves me speechless.

Now, it's time for the HoH competition, and first, they have to change into their outfits. It turns out that everyone is dressing up as a referee. Oh, how droll. Erika laments that the outfits make her look like she has "no figure." Of course, that's because she does have no figure, other than the bags, so if the bags are covered up, there's no figure. Janelle fares better, being what a friend of mine would call "a girl made of girl," rather than a girl made of, say, pipe cleaners.

Outside, the backyard has been transformed into a miniature football field. The football theme actually has nothing to do with anything, but given the stupidity of the competitions, the least they can do is put down some elaborate trappings. The actual contest itself requires guessing which day certain things happened, and however many days off you are, that's how many "yards" you have to move backwards, and then whoever is the closest at the end -- in other words, whoever has the smallest total when their errors are added up -- that's who will win. If you know the game on The Price Is Right, Mountain Climber, where the music says "Ohhh-dee-ohh-dee, ohhh-dee-ohh-dee," and all your mistakes have to be small enough that you don't go over the cliff, and you usually win if you say $15, $25, and $35 (well, those were the prices of my youth; it might be more now). It's a distant relative of that game.

First question: on which day was the first person evicted? Will and Erika say 13, and Mike says 11. Mike was right; Will and Erika move back two. Okay, we need to cut to the chase or we'll be here till Christmas; the questions continue, and they're all equally cerebral, and ultimately, Mike is the big winner. (That's how you can tell how cerebral they are.) Mike tells us during the competition that he and Will actually didn't throw it for once, so they're probably very relieved that Erika didn't win. It's great how he says this all seriously, how important the competition is, while the serious music plays and we watch him standing there in his referee costume and his bad-ass terry-cloth headband. It's like it's Halloween, and he doesn't know it. Will points out, however, that it really doesn't matter that much who wins HoH, except to that person who gets the free trip to F3. To everyone else, it only matters who wins PoV, because that person will be the one who decides who goes home. Erika says in the DR that it's "kinda hot" that the "bad boy" she's sleeping with is going to nominate her. I throw a handful of nails at the TV out of sheer frustration. Will repeats that he didn't care whether the new HoH was him or Mike, as long as it wasn't Erika. Of course, he should have cared a little, because while the HoH competition isn't worth much, it is worth one thing -- it ain't you going home next.

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Big Brother

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