Big Brother
Too Bad, So Sad

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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
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Smell Ya Later, Shannon!

Hardy goes to Mike and offers him a little deal. He promises that he won't nominate Mike this week, if Mike will give him one get-out-of-jail-free card in return. Mike needs to think about it.

Outside, Shannon pretends that she's a normal and likable person, but no one really buys it. She's laughing and giggling and acting "friendly" and, frankly, the sound of her laughter makes my ears bleed tears of vomit. It's that bad. She's all bumming smokes from Nicole, and holding the cigarettes all wrong, and pretending she doesn't know how to smoke, and that the smoke is making her high. Seriously, even non-smokers know how to hold cigarettes. Shannon? Swears she doesn't. Has she never watched an old movie? Or, you know, some TV show wherein people smoke, like, for example, that other show I recap, The X-Files? Or has she never, perhaps, looked outside at all the people holding cigarettes on her own patio? I guess not. In the Big Blue Chair of No Shit, Hardy shares a secret: Shannon is a "complete fraud, a fake." In his own Big Blue Chair, Bunky says that he doesn't think Shannon has any soul. Whoops, social skills. He doesn't think she has any social skills. "She never thought it was important to develop social skills," Bunky says, "because she never cared about anybody but Shannon." Nicole, in her own Big Blue Chair Session, wrinkles her nose and explains that Shannon's little attempt to ingratiate herself "did nothing but annoy everyone."

At this point, Shannon really cranks up the ploy for sympathy by wandering around the house, all alone, and all looking out the window all pensively, and then bursting into fake tears and then heading into the bedroom to change into a bikini, and then going into the Diary Room to sob prettily. "I just had an epiphany that I'm an absolute total bitch, everybody fucking hates me, I'm a complete moron, I'm a self-centered, egotistical, complete psycho," she tells the camera. All over North America, people are nodding. "And I guess it's hard to find that out on national television, especially when you don't know," Shannon finishes. What prompted this grand realization, I wonder? Did Shannon just open her eyes and realize that she's really loathed and reviled? Did someone fly a banner over the house reading "S = BITCH MORON PSYCHO"? Did someone say something to her? Has she been reading our boards? More weeping. Again, Shannon repeats that she has a hard time taking criticism, and she guesses this is what Big Brother is all about, and I'm almost starting to feel sorry for her, especially when she makes the point that it's totally easier to see the bad in someone than the good, and I realize that I am so doing that, like, right now. I need to recognize the good! In everyone! In Shannon! Okay. Let me try. Hang on. The good. Good, good, good. The good in Shannon. Hmmm. Well. She's got a nice rack. ["Hence the bikini. Shannon knows what time it is." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Shannon cries some more and I sort of snap out of my crazy sympathy thing, and then Shannon stomps out of the Diary Room and runs and sits on Will's lap in bathroom and says that she "had a bad epiphany about being a total bitch." He cheerily kisses her arm. "No, you're not. I love you," he chirps. Shannon mopes. "It's not like that, baby. Don't you worry about a thing," Will says. I'm almost touched by that. How can that be? ["'I love you'? They've known each other a month!" -- Wing Chun]

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Big Brother

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