Big Brother
Twelve…No, Fourteen! Fourteen Crazies!

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B+ | 1 USERS: D+
YOU GRADE IT
And...They're Off!

And then, Mike is in the diary room, where...well, let me set the scene. Bleached hair. Striped headband. Matching striped wristbands. Florida basketball jersey. None of this is being made up by me for effect. He explains to us that America's love affair with Kaysar is hard for him to understand -- he mimics the way we all apparently hug Kaysar in our dreams and speak to/of him with cooing wonder -- given that Kaysar "loves himself." Of course, I don't disagree at all that Kaysar's overweening affection for himself makes it impossible for me to like him at all anymore, but hearing Mike complain about another guy's capacity for self-love is going down like battery acid over here. He and Will stand on the balcony looking down over the dining room, and one or the other of them makes a comment about looking down "at all the victims." James calls up to them and calls out the first alliance, which is pretty amusingly dry, really. Because, you know... everyone kind of already knows. In a DR session I'm glad they elected to televise, James mentions that Will and Mike are not only friends outside the house, but they own businesses together, so it's pretty obvious that they're going to operate as a bloc. Mike settles himself on a big couch, as James's voiceover discusses that Will is Batman, and Mike is Robin. Will turns to Mike and says they need to "shore some stuff up," but Mike just wants to sit back and play it cool. Will -- as he keeps dorkily doing throughout this sequence -- tips his empty champagne glass to his lips. There's nothing in there, twit, and it's coming off like a nervous habit. Feeling insecure?

Alison coquettishly calls up to Will, "Is it nice up there?" Calling her bluff, Will says, "It could be a lot better if you'd come up here." She theatrically rolls her eyes, and she then DRs that Will just isn't interesting to her at all: "He thinks the world of himself. And that's fine. Somebody has to, because I sure don't." I will tell you this right now: she wants him so bad she can barely keep her clothes on, and she's not hiding it very well. "I'm glad he likes himself, because I sure don't" has never been used in any other way. In fact, I think the words "I sure don't" pretty much seal her fate.

Kaysar decides to go all bad-ass by calling up, "Don't make yourself comfortable, Will." Kaysar gives one of the funniest DR interviews I've ever seen, in which he says, "I'm definitely looking forward to the challenge between Dr. Will and I [sic]." Because clearly, this is going to be a clash of the Titans. The one Titan who won, and the other Titan who...couldn't get past the halfway point even given an extra chance. Why would Kaysar think this comes down to him and Will? There are a gazillion people in the house who got farther than Kaysar. There are few people in the house who didn't get farther than Kaysar, as a matter of fact. Having a lot of swooning fans doesn't make you a genius, there, genius. Kaysar goes on to not only call Will "full of himself," which: thanks, Captain Obvious, but also "a punk." That is one of the least creative and least accurate insults I have ever heard applied by one contestant to another. "A punk"? Will is many bad things, most of which are far worse than mere punkdom, but he is not actually a punk. What Will is, however, is short of material, as he repeats in the DR his old "circuitry and wires" line, which seemed relatively spontaneous when he first said it, and seems...not so much, at this point. Boo!

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Big Brother

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