Big Brother
Two For The Price Of One

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
You, Go! And You, Too!

Later, Mike and Will are...playing pool! Isn't this the first time I've noticed the pool table? I guess it's true what they say: you only appreciate things when you're about to trade them away for a supply of beer. It's the same reason I always undervalued my best friend until this week. (Just kidding! The offer wasn't nearly sweet enough!) Will is telling Mike to try to influence Erika to nominate Danielle. Mike doesn't think that it's likely, but Will is trying to get Mike to turn up the showmance skills. Will, in the DR: "Am I really putting my future in Mike Boogie's lovemaking ability?" He scratches his head. "This might not be pretty." Hey, at least you're not Erika.

Later, extreme sax music takes us to the backyard, where...we are not visiting Mike and Erika, thank God. Instead, we are looking at the weirdest thing Will has ever done. He has found the camera on a pole that looks down on the backyard, and he has walked right up to it and put his face into it. So this entire sequence is Will, looking up into a camera that's directly above him, suffering that distortion business that happens when you're about an inch from the camera lens. So he looks kind of fun-house-mirror to begin with.

Okay, so Will approaches the camera and looks at us. "I've been thinking about us for a long time," he sleazes. "And, well, this is your chance to have a ree-LA-tionship. With the heartbreaker from Big Brother All-Stars. I don't know why you're so afraid of me. I won't bite." He pauses, then looks at the camera with a disgusting, porny grin and adds, "Haaaaard." Mike cuts in: "As if Janelle weren't enough of a handful, Will decided to make love to the camera in the backyard." Shut up, Mike. You are a distraction. Will continues: "You know I love you. And I don't mean a little love. I mean a whole lot of love. I'm not going to break your heart. I looove you."

Now, Will is in the diary room. He tells us, "At first blush, you'd think I'm making sweet, sweet love to a camera. But I'm not. It's to you, America." He smiles. The editors animate a twinkle in his eye.

And now, we're back inside the pole looking down at Will's distorted mug. He loves to do this kind of thing with his hair in incomprehensible swirls, and this sequence is no exception. "If I could rewrite the alphabet," he says, "I'd put U and I together." And then he strains up, trying to actually kiss the camera. "You want a little kiss?" he asks. George comments that Will is "a very charming individual, and if he's not talking to you, he'll talk to anything he can." Will continues to try to convince the pole to kiss him, ultimately cajoling with, "No one's looking! You're naughty. You're naughty." Back in the DR, he says, "No relationship is perfect, but my relationship with that camera is as perfect as one can be." Well, it does have Shannon's personality and Janelle's brain. He then asks the pole to rub his shoulders. And then he's like, "Where are you going? Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're not going aaanywhere yet." Apparently, the pole continues leaving, and Will continues trying to keep it there. And then, Will breaks up with the pole. "It's not you, it's me," he says. "I just can't be in this relationship anymore, and I think that we need to take some time off. I'm sorry." It's sad, but I've actually heard of less substantive breakup speeches than that. He walks away, but then he comes right back. "Just kidding. I love you and I miss you, please take me back." Aaand, I'm calling that the weirdest scene ever. Hygiene problems, group showers, inappropriate nudity...nothing is weirder than Will Tries To Get A Pole To Sleep With Him.

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Big Brother




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