Big Brother
When Fat Janelle Met Saggy Dick

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When Fat Janelle Met Saggy Dick

Eric and Jessica. Eric magically comes to the same conclusion the rest of the free world has: the best-case scenario for Jess is if he wins the veto. She tells him she doesn't trust D&D to do right by her and she never has, but Eric says for the time being, her fate is in their hands, so they have to play nice. Jessica then continues to make Eric feel guilty for pushing the Amber elimination, and Eric continues to feel sorry for himself and try to use it as an excuse to feel up on Jess. Jess, as usual, boredly accepts his embrace while looking exceedingly uninterested. She's the weirdest thing. "Win the POV!" she says, in a way which truly seems to indicate that she won't be kissing Eric again unless he gets her off the block. Which is pretty much what Eric deserves, in the game and in life, so I have no objection.

After the break, we see it's the middle of the night and most of the houseguests are asleep, which means they don't notice it when Janelle from seasons 6 and 7 shows up and starts creeping around. So...Janelle. Liked her the first time around. Liked her significantly less the second time around when she decided to buy her own hype, and at ridiculously marked-up prices at that. Her appearance this season is somewhat obligatory, but I suppose she needs something to do in between auditioning to open briefcases on Deal Or No Deal. So Zach has to wake everyone up and they all trudge sleepily into the yard -- which is decked out all in pink. Janelle's signature color, don't you know? She's like Shelby in Steel Magnolias that way. Now if only she'd get kidney failure and die so Kaysar can break down at her funeral and Will can haul Howie in front of him and tell Kaysar to knock his lights out. Anyhoo...

A video screen swirls images around until Janelle's photo becomes visible, and immediately the houseguests start chattering about last season's pretty pink princess. Eric makes two pointed comments about Janelle looking fatter these days (I'd disagree, but I'm preoccupied by my fears that Janey's gonna Hulk Smash her way through skinny bitches like Daniele and Jess -- lady's still built like a very athletic pre-op), and the show spares its guest star the indignity of a close-up on her face as she hears this from her perch hidden behind a wall. She comes running out, and Dick DRs about how Eric must feel like a total dope for ragging on Janelle when she was right there. Eh. I think it's kind of funny that Janelle showed up for this fawning little homecoming visit and got told she looks fat within the first five minutes. How very high school reunion. Predictably, Jessica and Daniele love her. Kind of like how all red-headed comediennes end up saying they look up to Lucille Ball, because if you're funny and you're a red-head, she's the ideal. And if you're blonde and vapid and seek nothing else but the fame and fortune that finishing third place on Big Brother will get you, then Janelle's your Mount Rushmore. Janelle's going to be everyone's Mount Rushmore if she keeps eating the way she's been, but that's another story. (Oh, calm down, she looks perfectly fine.)

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Big Brother

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