Big Brother
Wieners and Losers

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M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
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Let's Be Frank

Julie looks businesslike in a puce power suit, wasting little time telling us that there's another batch of idiots (although as always, she uses the word "houseguests" instead of "idiots"), but this time there's a twist. As though the ultimate twist at this point could be anything other than no twist. "Underhanded, unscrupulous, and unexpected, it's time for another summer of Big Brother," she says. And that's just the producers! Yuk yuk-yuk.

We get the usual beginning-of-season explanation of the show's concept, which I at least have to credit the show for not doing three times a week all summer long. That may be the last compliment I pay the show all season, so bookmark it.

Julie's back to say that there are thirteen houseguests, most of whom are there to be the last person standing. But there's one player who's there to be a saboteur. We're not told who it is yet, because we don't even know who's in the house yet. Which I guess means it's time for the tiresome ritual of meeting the houseguests, complete with fakely staged moments of them "discovering" their Big Brother house key in some setting that's indicative of who they are. Okay, fine, let's get it over with.

Andrew is a podiatrist from Miami Beach, and informs us that he's also a practicing Orthodox Jew. Which may or may not interfere with his gameplay, but he says he doesn't care. If nothing else, he's at least starting off by undermining stereotypes. In Mansfield -- no, now it's Huntington, Arkansas, a town so small it can't even decide what its name is -- there's a standard blonde named Britney. Spelled just like that other Britney. Hayden, from Tempe, AZ claims to be the most competitive person we'll ever meet, but the chicks dig him, even though he needs a haircut. Rachel from Las Vegas says she's not just a hot girl with big boobs, but a chemist as well. Don't worry, Rachel, I'm sure you'll seem less hot to everyone as the season wears on.

We also meet Kathy, a deputy sheriff from Texarkana, Arkansas (the token oldie at 40), and a dead-eyed model named Monet. Matt from Elgin, Illinois is seen playing heavy metal music and claiming that he's a genius. He's in Mensa and everything. Someone as smart as he claims to be would never play a guitar that stupid-looking, though.

Annie from Tampa, FL frolics in a park and hints that her bisexuality will be an advantage. A ranch hand (at least that's what we see him doing) named Lane from Decatur, Texas, says he's used to getting his hands dirty. Probably not as literally as he will be in the Big Brother house, though, unless he works at a ranch that generates massive amounts of honey, oatmeal, and other forms of slime. Then there's Enzo, a New Jersey meathead who tells us his strategy: "None a your friggin' business." I'm charmed already.

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Big Brother

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