Um, okay. Evicted houseguests: I can stand before you today and I can talk about apologies, I could talk about remorse, I could talk about regrets, but there are two reasons I'm not going to. One, I think at this point, it'd be ingenuine [sic], and two, it's just not me. I know there are some people out there who are just not happy with the way this show went down, and they blame that on me. But the simple fact of the matter is, if you're not happy with this show, maybe you're not happy with reality-based TV in general [here, people exchange perplexed glances]. If you're not happy with reality-based TV, maybe you're not happy with, as the name suggests, reality. [By this point, Will has taken to walking all around the living room, pausing and pointing at the camera. If this isn't an audition for Jeff Probst's job, I don't know what is.] So if you're not happy with me, it might just be yourself you're not happy with. So don't place all the blame of this on me. Everyone needs to look within themselves. When we came in this house, that first night, it was all smiles; everyone held up a glass, we put some champagne in it, and we had a toast for the establishment of friendship on a firmer and more lasting basis. Did you all do that? Look around the room. You all need to learn to love each other. And we all need to learn to get along a lot better. On that note, I bid you a fond farewell. And I look forward to seeing you all very soon.
Will sits down. Mike covers his face. The first time I saw that, I was shell-shocked. What was my funny evil boyfriend doing?! But on the second time around, I realized that it was just a hysterical...okay, I still don't know what it was. But it was hysterical.
The consensus in the Voting Room is that no one has any idea what Will is smoking.
After a bunch of commercials, everyone is back in the studio with Julie Chen. It's a new day, and they're all decked out in new outfits. Autumn, for example, is dressed like a Ho-Bag Genie Barbie, in big fake eyelashes, the aforementioned extensions -- all curled and twirled -- a spangled, sequined cropped-top, and low-cut capri jeans. It's as trampalicious as it sounds. The left side of Shannon's hair looks like it was styled with a weedwacker. The worst, however, is Mike. Mike's outfit is just about the most horrible thing I've ever seen, and if there were any justice in the world, CBS would see fit to blur it out.