But not as much as I want to die during this next segment. Julie turns to Mike Boogie and Krusta and asks about the status of their relationship. Krusta kind of stammers and Mike tells her he'll field the question. "I'm probably the first person ever to say something like this in a leather basketball outfit," he begins, "but [Krusta], I want to tell you something." He takes her hand. "I came into this house looking for a lot of things. I had a lot of emptiness in my heart. And you filled the void within my heart. Destiny shined down upon us, putting a small-town girl from Louisiana in a house with a small-town boy from New Hampshire." This is so gross, I almost have to look away. "So, I want to know, [Krusta]," he continues, getting down on one knee and taking out a small velvet box! "No, you didn't!" Monica yells, next to Krusta. Krusta covers her face with her hands. ["Me too. In the next room, as I sob with horror." -- Wing Chun] Shannon's mouth drops wide open. "Will you marry me?" Mike asks. And my head explodes all over the sofa and then I vomit, and then my eyeballs fall out of my head and then I turn to stone and then I drop dead, and then I return from the dead and Mike is still on his knees and I reach for the pen on the coffee table and stab it through my ears into my brain and dig it around and pray to erase the portion of my brain that handles short-term memory. Krusta looks pretty turned-to-stone herself, and just sits there. I can see the wheels turning in her head: scream and run, or run screaming. "Yes or no?" Mike squeaks. "Yes," Krusta squawks. And chaos ensues. Mike slips the ring on her finger, as the rest of their former roommates try to keep from losing their collective minds. "Oh my God, I love you," Krusta says. They kiss. I wish I were blind. "Well, all right," Julie says, hysterically, before asking who plans to move where in the course of this disastrous marriage. Mike admits that they haven't really talked about any of that. Krusta looks like she needs a drink. More than usual. Julie realizes that she can't top this and sends them all back into the house.
As the former houseguests scamper back toward the house, the phrase "Oh my God" is uttered between the studio and the front door approximately seven hundred times.
Inside the house, Will and Nicole are just sitting there when the doorbell rings. Will gets up to answer it, and takes forever to actually reach the door, stopping on the way to straighten his pant leg, and fiddle with his hair, and talk to Nicole, and arrange his shirt. He finally makes it to the front of the house, and opens the door. Everyone squeals. Mike jumps Will, revealing that the back of his God-forsaken jersey reads "Boogie." "Boogie"! For the love of humanity! ["He should be in jail for that outfit." -- Wing Chun] As Will extricates himself from Mike in order to greet Shannon, the rest of the guests make their way to the living room. Hardly runs over to Nicole and tells her that he was just playing Will when he said all that mean stuff earlier. As they embrace, Nicole spies Autumn over Hardly's shoulder and gives her an hysterical "what the fuck are you wearing?" look. Out in the hallway, Will is still embracing his demon mistress. Monica and Krusta are talking about the Proposal That Cannot Be Named. Once Will extricates himself from Shannon, he and Bunky hug and scream gleefully at each other. Then he runs over and kisses Monica.