Big Brother
Will Is the Luckiest Boy In All The Land!

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Will Is the Luckiest Boy In All The Land!

After a bunch of commercials, everyone is back in the studio with Julie Chen. It's a new day, and they're all decked out in new outfits. Autumn, for example, is dressed like a Ho-Bag Genie Barbie, in big fake eyelashes, the aforementioned extensions -- all curled and twirled -- a spangled, sequined cropped-top, and low-cut capri jeans. It's as trampalicious as it sounds. The left side of Shannon's hair looks like it was styled with a weedwacker. The worst, however, is Mike. Mike's outfit is just about the most horrible thing I've ever seen, and if there were any justice in the world, CBS would see fit to blur it out. He's wearing -- I can barely type this, so filled am I with loathing -- a baby blue leather basketball outfit (shorts and jersey) with "Chill Town" in script across the front. Seriously, think about that: a leather. Custom-made. Basketball jersey. With "Chill Town" on the front. And matching shorts. The horror! Julie chit-chats about the developments in all of their lives since eviction, as though we care, and like we all didn't just learn this two days ago. She asks how Monica is holding up in the face of recent tragic events. Monica says she's fine; she's ready to go back to New York City and "face it." She's "been getting nothing but love," she says, and that helps. Julie beams. She's in love with Monica. Next, more talk about Sheryl and the cancer. "I'm ready to go and tackle it and get it all out of the way and get on with my life," Sheryl says. Julie smiles sympathetically and tells Sheryl she's going to light a candle for her on October 1st, which must be the date Sheryl has scheduled her mastectomy. Good luck, Sheryl! As for Kent, he says he's still a non-smoker, and that his wife has also quit. "The divorce is pending, I'm sure," he snarks. Everyone chuckles. Next is Autumn. Her new hair makes her face look really small. She and Julie chat, but I don't care about Autumn, and everything she says is boring. Haven't we really gone through all of this already? Anyway, Bunky is next, and he plugs his "Bunky Mania" tour, in which he's visiting a hundred cities in a hundred days in order to raise money for the Red Cross, the Humane Society, and the Special Olympics. "Fantabulous," Julie chirps. Next is Shannon, in an incredibly short and massively ugly light green dress that does her body no favors. And Shannon, as we all know, has a lovely body. So I can't even imagine how that outfit would look on someone who didn't work out seven hours a day. Also, the bangs? Still horrific. She, also, says nothing of interest. Hardly, up next, weakly attempts to flirt with Julie, but tanks, as usual. Hardly clearly hasn't accepted that Julie's heart belongs to Will. She wonders whether he really does question Nicole's loyalty. Hardly self-righteously snips that he "wasn't quite done playing the game," and that he hopes Will bought his ruse and doesn't block his vote. Oh, Hardly. I know you're trying to be underhanded and clever, but somehow, you've just made yourself look pathetic and childish. He and Shannon chortle about the toothbrush incident, and pat each other on the arm and knee and say all is forgiven and I want to die now.

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Big Brother

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