Inside, Sarah is playing tour guide to the 21st century. Rhonda is rifling though all of the stuff in Sarah's room and Sarah's nervously chattering about Bop magazine and her pink iPod mini. Rhonda replies, "I still love music. And singing. Remember when we used to play?" Sarah replies in a distant voice, "Yeah, I do." Rhonda says shyly, "Our community center is doing a play. We're doing Harvey. I'm Pookah. My friend Lorraine is Elwood P. Dowd." Sarah nods. An awkward silence falls between the two, and Rhonda asks, "How come you stopped coming to see me?" "I couldn't," Sarah tells her. Another pause. Then Sarah asks, "What's it like being married?" Rhonda explains, "It's a pre-marriage placement. That's what it's called now, to get around the law until I'm sixteen." She rushes on, "I wasn't forced. The other sister-wives hate me because Roman likes me best." Sarah asks queasily, "Do you love him?" Rhonda coolly says, "He's sweet to me. The greatest freedom we have is through obedience." Peace through strength! We have always been at war with Eurasia!
And now, at the most joyless party since the G.O.P., Roman is weirding out the non-cultists with his version of "Big Rock Candy Mountain." And you thought that Burger King commercial with Hootie singing that song was odd. The kids are enthralled by the singing old man. Bill looks like he's about to make a hostage video. He's going to start blinking messages of distress in Morse code. Lois is rolling her eyes. Nicki is thrilled; Wayne seems like he'd rather be anywhere else. And then Roman begins whistling the chorus, all the while glaring at Bill. It is the most menacing whistling in the history of guitar sing-alongs. As it wears on, we see Sarah and Margene sitting together; both look like they've fled to their respective happy places.
Nicki decides that it's time to open presents. She opens the first one for Wayne and gasps in delight, "Timberlands!" Wayne's looking at her with an expression that plainly reads, "First you dressed me like a CFO. Then you put me on a pony. And now shoes? Will this never end?" Ben looks mortified. Nicki opens the next box and says excitedly, "Look! Bass Weejuns!" It's like she got hold of The Preppy Handbook and confused it with a how-to manual. I don't think polygamists can ever be Prep. Swingers? Prep. Polygamists? Not Prep. Wayne can tell where this is headed already. He says sadly, "Thank you, Mother." Adaleen looks sickened. Nicki opens another book and says, "A teddy bear and balloons from Flowers.com." Apparently product placement so disgusts Lois, she's compelled to leave the room. Wayne bleats, "Thank you, Mother." Bill and Joey both look troubled. Bill heads up to talk to Lois. Nicki's just discovered a gift card from Tower Record and Video. Even Roman looks impressed with the extent of Nicki's consumer craze.