Episode Report CardMr. Sobell: A | Grade It Now!
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Outside, Tubbs is making short work of Wesley Snipes, proof positive that above all else Miami Vice is a work of fiction. "You ever get in my face again, I'll kill you," Tubbs shouts out in his Antiguan? Bermudian? Peruvian? accent. "I got your streets. And I got your woman. Anything you want back from her, you'll have to pay. Ten percent, you hear? Hotel Excelsior. Suite Twenty. Six. Oh. One." Yes, he really pronounce the suite number in that drawn-out way, and after he finishes that little speech, I feel like I've taken a whirlwind Caribbean tour. Back at Vice World Headquarters, Gina is exulting in having found the locker containing one pound of pharmaceutical cocaine, which she values at $200,000, or just enough to tide John Belushi over for a three-day weekend. What follows is a scene of strategic planning so dull and tedious, it even bores the actors appearing in it, judging by their glazed expressions. So allow me to sum up: they will use this pound of cocaine to ensnare Wesley Snipes, and they will do it by getting Carla to deliver it unto him. There -- I just saved you two minutes of listening to Lt. Castillo mumble while he stares at his Florsheims. That's Emmy-caliber detachment, people. The whirlwind hooker recruiting tour of Carla continues, as she and Tubbs enjoy a candlelit dinner in a room filled with so much clichÃ©d '80s decor, you'd dismiss it as an antiquated stereotype if it wasn't, you know, filmed in the 1980s. "I've never been treated like this," Carla gushes, and when it's Philip Michael Thomas showing you the time of your life, you've led quite the exciting existence indeed. "You should always have the best," Tubbs says. So why isn't he leaving so that Denzel Washington can complete this scene? Anyhow, Carla wants the Funnest Day Ever to continue with dancing, and Tubbs is all, yeah, yeah, we'll go dancing all right, but first, let's talk about this bus locker key I'm holding menacingly. "That was Roxanne's," Carla exclaims. Undeterred, Tubbs asks, "You know what was in that locker?" Carla confesses that she does know, as she was there when Roxanne stashed away the cocaine for safe-keeping. "[Wesley Snipes] don't know it, but I'm going to get in that business with him," Tubbs purrs in his Creole? Cajun? Florida Panhandle? accent. "I need you to help motivate him. I want you to take this back to him." Carla declines. Tubbs restates his request...BY SHOUTING AT THE TOP HIS LUNGS! "You think I do this for nothing?" he screams, breaking a few crystal dishes for effect. "Why do you think I got you out of jail? You think your stuff is worth five grand? IT AIN'T! I THROW PIECES LIKE YOU AWAY EVERY DAY!" Carla offers to pay Tubbs back, and he agrees that she will. "I'm going to tell you just how you're going to do it," he says in a barely audible Costa Rican? Lost City of Atlantan? Esperanton? accent. "I'm going to hook into [Wesley Snipes], and you're going to take him this." Carla tries to run, and Tubbs grabs her by the arm, causing Jan Hammer's Casio to squeal in surprise. "You made a mistake with me," Carla cries. "My boyfriend's a cop! So you better back off!" And with that...girl fight! Tubbs and Carla have a hair-pulling slap party and we're the guests of honor.