Big Love
The Ceremony

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Don't drink with Wanda

And that's when it all goes south. It seems someone -- no pointing fingers, O Mother of the Year candidate, but I can't help wondering -- didn't count the tickets when they came, and now it's too late to get new ones because there's not enough time to clear the would-be guests for admission. Poor Barb's nearly in tears again, this time because her co-wives won't be there. And I feel for both Nicki and Margene, because thinking of them getting ready and putting on their game faces because they love Barb (and Bill), then learning that they won't even get to be in the same room as the people they're married to? It's just too sad.

Naturally, this is when Joey calls. Bill's trying to get the family loaded into the gargantomobile and trying to impress upon Joey's thick skull that the whole point to coordinating their little stories is so they can all stick to the stories when the cops come a-calling. As Joey skulks around, looking totally suspicious, we see Wanda in the background, holding her baby and beaming vacantly at the officer. She is truly a marvel -- cool head in a crisis, ability to think on her feet. Why, if there are canny women like Wanda, Adaleen and Lois around that hellhole compound, have they not figured out a way to take over the joint?

We then zoom over to the governor's mansion and the very crowded affair. The three candidates are already sitting on a little stage. Bill and Barb's kids are seated, and he beams up at her. Bill's practically bouncing in his seat with pride and anticipation, and then he sees Wendy slink in and his mood deflates. For someone who's about to blow the whistle on Barb, Wendy's looking surprisingly nice, in a blue fitted velvet suit with a big lilac silk bow. On her, it works.

We move from the murmuring room full of people to Roman's office. The lovely, forlorn song "Lorena" plays as Rhonda and her Bedazzler keep him company. Roman walks over to Rhonda and rubs his arm across her shoulders as the singer ruefully notes, "The sun's low in the sky, Lorena/ the frost gleams where the flowers have been/ but the heart throbs on as warmly now/ as when the days were nigh." Hands up, all you who think this song will be on "K-Tel Presents: Songs of May-December Love." As the singer informs us that the sun can never dip so low, Roman takes out a slip of paper with a phone number on it and begins dialing. He says, "Yes, I would like to speak with someone about this evening's ceremony." We cut to Rhonda's face; she's looking satisfied. Guess having a vengeful husband-to-be cuts down on you doing your own dirty work when getting revenge on those who wronged you, huh, Rhonda? Just remember how "Lorena" ends: "Of life this is so small a part/'Tis dust to dust beneath the sod/ But there, up there, 'tis heart to heart." Is revenge really worth having to hang with Roman in the hereafter?

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Big Love

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