Big Love
Where There's A Will

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Will They Or Won't They?

And now the scene where Wendy barges into Bill's office and happens to find all three wills on his desk. Oh, that's a discovery that will benefit no one.

Back at Henrickson's homes plus, a sweaty Ben is pouring a glass of juice in the kitchen. Barb comes in and, after a few minutes of mom-fussing, asks Ben why they haven't met the hussy that deflowered their son. Only in more polite terms. There's a meeting in the making. Ben looks like he's just been sentenced to death by firing squad.

Sarah comes into the auditorium where the drama competition's still in progress. She heads to the bottom and asks Herr Kickenankel which room Rhonda Vollmer might be in. Herr Kickenankel gives her a long, disgusted look and says, "Vollmer? She's not in the competition." Sarah, uncomprehending at first, asks, "She's not? Are you sure?" Giving her a look that suggests he'd be happy to show her his contusions, Herr Kickenankel replies, "Yes. I'm sure. She was eliminated in the first round, yesterday." Sarah turns around and walks off, deep in thought.

Cut to Bill and Don striding through one of their stores. Bill's bitching about his wives and the wills: "They're at a complete impasse. Nobody will sign it." Don suggests, "Have you given them each a bracelet or something? Zales gives you a good deal if you're buying more than one." I love that Don knows this. Bill is like, "The baubles aren't going to fly. Besides, $12,000 of Nicki's debt is linked to her Tiffany's habit. Girlfriend's got standards for her bling now." He takes Don aside so they can have a heart-to-heart right next to a pallet of shrink-wrapped lawn gnomes. Do y'all suppose that's symbolic -- lots of ornamental wives, lots of lawn ornaments -- or am I reading too much into it? Anyway, Bill asks Don, "If I die, Barb dies, and Nicki dies, would you, Peg, Verna and JoJo take the kids and raise them in The Principle?" Is Bill assuming that Margene will be unavailable because she'll be in jail awaiting trial on triple homicide charges? Don is moved. He flings his arms around Bill and says ebulliently, "We'd be honored." Bill is relieved. As should we all be -- after all, why should women bicker over things like their children's welfare and their own self-determination and the choice to raise an additional five kids, when the menfolk are around to decide for them?

Anyway, Don then hands over an envelope that came by messenger a few moments ago -- it's the formal application for the Leadership League. Don tells Bill that he doesn't have to do it. Bill displaces that implicit disapproval: "It's the wives. No matter how many times I try to explain what this means, what this means to all of us, they just get all emotional. I just don't understand." That would be because you are not exactly a keen analytical thinker yourself, Bill. He adds belligerently that "they want me to say no, but I won't! Sometimes you see those politicians who don't run for president, to protect their pill-popping wives or their alcoholic children, and, and you just know there's a hole inside of them 'til their dying day, wondering just...what might've been." Which would be a very touching and apt metaphor for Bill's dilemma if he were dealing with a loved one who was an addict or mentally ill, but he's not: he's dealing with a situation entirely of his making, and it's him, not his spouses who are to blame. Don trots out the tired old chestnut about how polygyny's aaaaallll about the sacrifices, then glares and walks off.

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Big Love

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