Big Shots
Pilot

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Couch Baron: C | Grade It Now!
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Isn't It Ironic...

God, I just realized another negative of this show -- I couldn't find golf more boring. Brody takes a swing and gets in the cart with a waiting Karl, who complains that all Marla thinks about is her carb intake and whines that he needs to end things with her. Don't care. Neither does Brody, who asks what the problem is, but Karl says it's hard when she wears underwear "like this." Karl produces some tiny number that looks like Marla got it at Toys In Babeland, and Brody's instant hard-on sends the steering wheel flying all over the place.

James is looking glum when an Asian woman appears and tells him that "they're" ready for him. Inside, the board has apparently convened, and the presumed lead guy is droning on about the tragic death of "Walter Stores." James can't suppress a humorless laugh, quickly prompting the speaking board members to kick him out. He makes a couple of sarcastic comments and starts to leave, but turns back and gives a little speech, about which the best thing I can say is that Michael Vartan looks awfully good in a suit. Well, I suppose I have to talk about it -- he tells them that the company is in trouble and Stores knew it, and while they may not think Amerimart will ever falter, they may wake up one day and find that everything they thought was solid has changed. "Right now, somewhere in a garage, two kids are inventing something that's gonna put us out of business one day. And we shouldn't be ignoring these kids! We should be hiring them!" I...don't even know what to say. I mean, Vartan is giving it his all here and I feel very bad for him, but this speech isn't even good enough for dinner theater. Charred pieces of steak would be hitting the stage right about now. ["Please. It's not good enough for lunch theater. Or snack theater. Or amuse-bouche theater. Okay, I'm done." -- Miss Alli] He wraps up by basically saying that instead of hiring a winner, they should pick him. Seriously. "If I were you, I'd hire someone who knows what it feels like to lose something. Because he will never let that happen again." By that logic, Willie Randolph should be the new Amerimart CEO. Which is convenient, because I'm thinking he's going to be in need of a job soon. Look, I'm not saying that they couldn't have drawn a good parallel to James's marriage falling apart. I'm just saying that they really, really didn't. Vartan does winningly say that he'll let them get back to their "serious" candidates before he leaves, but really, if that's the extent of their interviewing process, they should be stepping over each other to dump their company stock.

Marla, post-coital, is putting on lip gloss as she remarks that she shouldn't have eaten all that bread at lunch, which causes Karl, still in bed, to wince. Me too -- carb jokes? Weren't those in vogue around the same time as ones about Y2K? Anyway, Karl tries to break up with Marla, but in the process of getting some cash out of his wallet (with his permission), she sees a ticket stub for The Nanny Diaries and freaks out, as she thought Karl and "Wendy" no longer spent time together. His ineffective explanation about the therapist is no match for the power of the crazy, as she bleats, "What kind of man would be so deceitful as to lie to the woman he's cheating on his wife with?" I give some sympathy to the actress here -- that line was painful to type, and I can only imagine it hurt even worse to say. Marla declares her intention to spill the affair to Wendy and strides purposefully out, with Karl ineffectually (that word comes up in relation to him a lot, which is always good in a CEO) calling after her that they should discuss this in couple's therapy. Don't threaten me, dickhead.

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