When we come back from the ads, Julie is standing over the final key box to reveal the votes. She tells Rachel and Porsche, who I was beginning to forget existed after all this time, that she's about to reveal the votes, and they need at least four to win. Time to start drawing the keys. Brendon voted for Rachel, Daniele voted for Porsche, and Jeff voted for Rachel. No surprises so far, and then we see that Shelly voted for Rachel. It's 3-1, and Rachel's one vote away from the half-million, with Jordan's vote yet to be "revealed." The gap narrows with the revelation that Kalia voted for Porsche, but of course Jordan voted for Rachel, so we have a winner. Dammit.
Rachel and Porsche head out into the studio amid the traditional storm of golf confetti, and Brendon picks Rachel up into one of those already-too-short-skirt-hiking hugs he's always giving her. Then it's just a big, loud scrum of everyone hugging everyone else, a quick, silent shot of the fish tank and Julie reminding us to come back to find out who America's Favorite Houseguest is. Why doesn't anyone ever ask me my favorite houseguest? It's none of these people, that's for damn sure.
When we come back, Julie reveals that the final vote, Adam's, went to Porsche, so Rachel won it in a squeaker, which makes me feel a little better. I mean, Rachel deserved it more than Porsche, even if Rachel is a much bigger dick than Porsche is. I'm big enough to admit that. Julie presents Porsche with Adam's cardboard key like the world's worst booby prize before remembering she also gets fifty grand, and then Julie opens the envelope with the name of America's Favorite Houseguest. It's Jeff, who tries to act surprised and fails miserably. And that's it for BB13. See you next July, for another summer of ill-thought-out twists, blatant manipulation, interminable stretches of inaction and undeserving, self-righteous morons. I can't wait, can you?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.