You can't watch the new Bionic Woman without knowing something about the old Bionic Woman, right? Right. So I set out to do a little internet research (the internet always tells the truth, as you undoubtedly know) and uncovered twenty-one absolutely true facts about the original mid-1970s series The Bionic Woman, starring Lindsay Wagner. Okay, not really. I actually found nineteen absolutely true facts and two complete fabrications. See if you can spot the difference.
1. The Bionic Woman sang "Feelings" at the Miss United States pageant..
In a 1976 episode called "Bionic Beauty," Jaime Sommers went undercover as a pageant contestant and performed "Feelings" during the talent competition. Bert Parks, longtime host of the Miss America pageant, played the host of the Miss United States pageant.
2. Tippi Hedren played the owner of a wild animal ranch.
In the 1976 episode "Claws," Hedren portrayed Susan Victor, the owner of a ranch that was being menaced by hunters. Jaime was tasked with protecting a lion.
3. One episode focused on the vandalizing of Jaime's parents' graves.
Somewhat dark for a show where someone's ear went "nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh."
4. In an episode called "Canyon Of Death," Gary Collins (that's Mr. Mary Ann Mobley to you) kidnapped Jaime and tried to steal an atomic flying suit.
We're not sure what else we can add to this one.
5. Jaime Sommers cost less to rebuild than "Six Million Dollar Man" Steve Austin, because her parts were littler.
This is contradicted by the German version of the show, which calls her The Seven Million Dollar Woman.
6. Jaime's dog cost one million dollars to bionicize.
Roughly assuming that her bionics did cost something analogous to Steve Austin's, this would mean that one bionic-human dollar is roughly six or seven bionic-dog dollars. Which would be logical.
7. In the TV movie Bionic Ever After?, an effort to update the series, Jaime Sommers malfunctioned because of a computer virus.
Rebooting is a bitch.
8. In a two-part episode called "The Return Of Bigfoot," Jaime helped Steve Austin clear his name after a bigfoot android was mistaken for him.
This episode also featured Sandy Duncan.
9. In the 1976 episode "Son Of Fire," The Love Boat's Gavin MacLeod played the divorced dad of a teenage boy who had been turned into a human flamethrower.
In the dramatic concluding scene, Jaime douses the boy with a fire extinguisher.