Bionic Woman
Second Chances

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
Second Chances

Starbot walks into the room where she first met Sewing Arm, but he's nowhere to be seen, and his room no longer looks lived-in. She turns around to see that on the wall, in big letters, it reads, "YOU FAILED ME." I bet the showrunner really wishes the NBC executives would stop dropping by to look at the dailies and writing all over the sets. In case you don't get it, Starbot flashes back to crashing into P.Dorkus's car with her semi.

Speaking of Sewing Arm, he now visits a bar and sits down next to a rando pudgy dude in a jacket. Sewing Arm takes out a cigarette, and, in an incredibly (unintentionally) hilarious line, Pudgy says to him, "There's no smoking." It's supposed to be all edgy and tense, because someone is actually trying to make the very menacing Sewing Arm play by the rules, but it just makes you think...then where did the incredibly thick fog of smoke by which they are surrounded come from? know, it's San Francisco -- is the fog rolling into the bar? Anyway, Sewing Arm isn't impressed and says, "What are you, a forest ranger?" Oooh, good one. "Something like that," says Pudgy. Remarkably, in a callback to the earlier awkwardness regarding Disneyland, Sewing Arm once again doesn't know when the metaphor's moment has passed, so he makes some comment about how it must be scary in the woods with the animals, and Pudgy meaningfully says, "Not if they know who's in charge." He walks out. The woodchucks are his bitches, is what he's saying, I think. Outside what I guess is called the Ovaltine Café (?), Pudgy isn't able to make a clean getaway, because Sewing Arm follows him. Sewing Arm calls out to Pudgy, and when Pudgy stops, Sewing Arm brings out the heavy-duty exposition by saying that they "both know" certain facts, such as that Pudgy works in a super-max prison below Florence (I think this is what he says; it could have been "below florists," but that would baffle me even more) where they "stick people when they outlive their usefulness." So now they both know, and you and I know also! See how handy that is! I hardly noticed I was having facts explained to me, because those facts were simply incorporated into dialogue between two characters! After threatening to have Pudgy's wife killed if he doesn't comply, Sewing Arm puts Pudgy on the phone with said sobbing, apparently currently imprisoned wife.

Hey, we're in a super-max prison below Florence! An orange-jumpsuited older man is enjoying a visit from Shadowy, of all people. Immediately, the two jump right into the ridiculously artificial dialogue, as Shadowy opens with "How'd you do it?" Orange Jumpsuit growls, as if they are ten minutes into a twenty-minute Shakespearean scene, "Do you know what they call creatures that can live comfortably in environments considered lethal, such as, for instance, a thousand feet below the earth's surface?" He sounds so much like Shatner in delivering that line that I half-expect him to offer me a great deal on a round-trip fare to Vegas. Orange Jumpsuit declares that such people are called "Extreme-ophiles." He offers to do an impression of one, and then just sits there. Do you get it? He is one! Shadowy just keeps repeating "How did you do it?" until Orange Jumpsuit finally asks what he's talking about. He's talking about the fact that Starbot (a.k.a. Sarah Corvis) is not dead. Orange Jumpsuit offers another "impression," this time of a guy who's been betrayed and beaten down and thrown in a hole, blah blah blah unjustified-imprisonment-cakes, and I'm beginning to think he needs another rhetorical device, because the whole "here's my impression of THE GUY I AM" thing is pretty weak. Shadowy declares that Starbot is a "time bomb," and Orange Jumpsuit Shatners back, "Time bombs only matter to those who have time." Dun-dun! He bids Shadowy farewell and sends his regards to P.Dorkus, adding, "Tell him Daddy says hello." Because, see, this is P.Dorkus's father! Did you get that as it went by? Awesome; I knew you would. It really would flow better if they just did it like Pop-Up Video and threw up a little caption that read "P.Dorkus's Father" with a big arrow next to it. PapaDork calls for the guards to take him back to his cell, where he will live on just fine, because he is an Extreme-ophile, baby!

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Bionic Woman




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