Birds of Prey
Gladiatrix

Episode Report Card
Daniel: D+ | 1 USERS: F
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Let's get ready to bumble

Over at Gladiatrix, Scarface is all clapping his hands and exhorting the women to put on their "finishing touches" so they can look nice for the paying customers. Helena grabs the bars of her cage and says, "Your ass is mine when I get out of here," and Scarface says "yum" and calls her a "feisty little one" in a manner that leads me to highly doubt that lack of interest from women was any major issue for this guy. He says it's "Little Laser Claire" who's next in line to take on the champion, Kayla. "She's twelve and oh, aren't you, darling?" Kayla rattles her cage, and she and Claire both get the Red Lapel treatment. Desperately, Helena tells him that she'll show him a real fight if that's what he wants. "You're fast becoming my favourite," he says, and tells the guards to take her instead.

Cut to the arena, where the Rabid Tuxedo Freak Men are yelling and screaming as Scarface introduces the main event, which is "twelve-time champion Kayla the Destroyer" versus her challenger, "the Green Scorpion." And of course the rage-inducing drug coupled with Helena's own natural anger doesn't interfere with her ability to cock an eyebrow and say, "'The Green Scorpion'?" all quizzically at Scarface, who really shouldn't have been able to hear her what with all the general mayhem, but he looks momentarily gobsmacked before yelling, "…of Dooooom!" which I admit cracked me up, and it would have been funny if they had just left well enough alone, but Helena has to sarcastically add, "That makes it better." The bell dings, the guards release their restraints, and Kayla and Helena circle each other. In slow motion! Commercials.

You know that commercial for Bally's where people are talking about the good pain they feel after working out? It reminds me of this one time a couple of years ago when I went to the gym one afternoon and really overdid working out on my legs and they had they excellent slightly rubbery feeling, and then I went into the office to do some work, and later I decided to walk next door to the gas station to get a Coke, and as I was walking across the parking lot, my legs actually GAVE OUT and I collapsed right there in the parking lot, like, my legs just folded up like a cheap lawn chair and I could not get up for the life of me, and I was beyond embarrassed as well, and I managed to pull myself up to one knee but I could get no further, and after a couple of tries I realized the people in the cars stopped at the red light at the intersection were looking at me funny, so I'd pretend I was just tying my shoelace until the light changed and the cars left and I'd try to get up again. BUT I COULDN'T. And I swear to god I was out there for at least ten minutes, half-kneeling in a gas station parking lot in this godforsaken small Saskatchewan town in the middle of the night, and I started swearing at everything in sight, so it was like, "Fuck you, gasoline pumps," and "Fuck you, traffic light," and then I calmed down, and I think being convinced that I'd snapped some crucial ligament in my legs and wrecked them forever caused me to go through the seven stages of grief really quickly and I eventually came to acceptance. And finally someone was walking from the other direction into the gas station and I yelled out for some help, and I don't know if you can imagine what it was like trying to convince this guy that I was not a psycho, and yelling across the parking lot this really long-winded explanation all about how I'd hurt myself working out and needing help getting up, and he just looks at me for a few seconds and says, "What are you, drunk or something?" and so I have to inject a little laughter into my pleas for help, because isn't this funny, ha ha, and finally the guy came over and helped me up. And I still wanted my Coke so I went into the gas station, really gingerly walking stiff-legged and hoping my legs don't fold up on me again, and telling the attendant what had happened to me, and she said, "Yeah, I saw you out there and I was wondering what was going on," and it never occurred to me that she had seen me, and I was trying to process the fact that she didn't bother to help or anything and it was everything I could do not to YELL AT HER. ["Was it Helena?" -- Sars]

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