Birds of Prey

Episode Report Card
Daniel: B- | Grade It Now!
Hello, my name is Zzzzzzz

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Celtics rule!

Anyway, Alfred pipes up to ask if Helena isn't curious about how "time has weighed" on her classmates, like, it's been FIVE YEARS for Christ's sake, and you really need to shut up now, Alfred. Helena says she is curious, but she doesn't know what she'd tell everybody; after all, she can't tell them about the crime-fighting, and so as far as anyone else knows, she's "just a bartender." Dinah wants to know why she's a bartender anyway, since she's heir to the Wayne fortune, which is worth millions. "Billions," corrects Alfred. Note to self: Shut up, Alfred. "I have dad issues," says Helena, who explains that she won't have anything to do with her dad's money. Who she's explaining this to is anybody's guess, since all the people at the Clocktower know this, and so do the few remaining viewers who aren't pissed off enough yet to stop watching, pissed off at how little the writers think of the audience's ability to remember pertinent details of what I'd like to remind them is a very LIMITED NUMBER of episodes. Alfred, who just will not SHUT UP, advises Helena that a little time spent as Helena Kyle instead of Huntress might prove beneficial, as if there is any difference at all between the two of them. Helena ignores this, which is a pretty shrewd strategy for dealing with Alfred.

Barbara, reading from the ME's report, says that Joey's trachea was snapped completely in two, and doubts a break that clean would happen by accident, so they're going to investigate. She asks Helena if anything significant happened at the bar with Joey, other than him hitting on her. Helena gleefully recounts the tale of Jack Barrett riding in to save the day, then gets defensive when Barbara asks if Helena didn't have a huge crush on Jack in high school. Helena denies that the crush was huge. Barbara asks if Jack remembered her, and Helena says no, since that would have required him talking to her in high school, and maybe Alfred would like to chime in here and say something about how he probably just wasn't able to remember her because the mind gets pretty addled by the mists of time after five whole years. I mean, what other explanation is there for the fact that Helena was supposedly really popular, and yet in a bar full of her high school classmates, the only who remembers her is Gibson, and with him it's probably because of his metamemory. Helena says Jack can't be the killer since he's a boy scout, a "dashing, ripped, hot boy scout." And I agree that he can't be the killer, if only because the Birds are broaching the possibility of him being the killer this early in the show, meaning that it's going to be someone else, and since there's only one other person it can be, the writer's little plot twist isn't going to amount to much later on. I think the writers have been given specific instructions to write for an audience of four-year-olds. Barbara tells Helena to check in with Reese to see if there's any information that didn't make it into the report, while Barbara looks for someone who might have had a motive to kill Joey, which Helena says shouldn't be difficult, "given his personality."

Later, on the Birds of Prey outdoor set with extra-special daytime lighting, Barbara is smelling some flowers at some sort of sidewalk flower shop, I guess. Wade comes up and stuffs a bunch of tulips in her face that he says match her personality, since they "look so delicate but they only bloom after a frost," WHATEVER THAT MEANS, and I can't think of someone who needs a severe beating more than Wade does, and I'd managed to completely forget how smarmy this guy is after a couple of episodes from which he was blessedly absent. He says he stopped by Barbara's classroom, but she wasn't there. Barbara says she left early because she had a lot of work to do, and maybe the next time Barbara skips off work early, her excuse for doing so shouldn't be that SHE HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO, and I swear to God the producers of this show have handed off the writing duties to the proverbial infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters, since so little of what the characters say makes any sense at all. Wade strokes her face and says she always has a lot of work to do and that he called four times, and maybe he should learn to take a hint, and maybe Barbara should kung-fu his stalker ass right there. He asks her to have dinner with him tonight. "Our parents are gone, it'll just be the two of us," he says, and can someone please explain to me why he just said "our parents" to Barbara, like, WHAT IS WRONG WITH WADE. Barbara's giving him the brush-off and he wants to know why, even if she could just tell him he has hygiene problems or bad dress sense. "I like the way you undress," says Barbara, and they share a giggle, and then she says it's "complicated," and he says that he likes complicated and it's part of what he likes about her, and Barbara's all, "'Part'?" and he says he can't talk about the other part in public, and please someone just turn the hose on these two.

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Birds of Prey




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