Birds of Prey
Split

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Split Personality

Cut to a pond in what looks like some kind of park. Despite the apparent absence of any roads, there's a car parked, windows fogged up in tell-tale fashion. Ah, the memories. Specifically, and I am not making this up, the time I parked my car in a secluded location with my current girlfriend, and wound up getting stuck and having to call a tow truck. You want comedy? You want a greasy tow-truck driver leering at you and your girlfriend as he pulls your window-fogged 1975 Ford Elite out of the mud. Anyway, inside this much-smaller- than-my-tank- sized-1975- Ford-Elite car, two kids are giving in to their teenage lust in the back seat. She's slowing the progress of his hand up her thigh, but without much conviction. They stop for a moment when she says, "Did you hear something?" And although any teenage boy would have automatically say no, he actually turns to check, wiping the car window. He doesn't see anything, so they get back to giving in to their throbbing biological urges. Of course, where there are teenagers making out, there are crazy people looking to harm them. In this case, it's a big, lumbering hulk of a man, who actually rips off the car door. The boy says, "Hey! It's that shapeshifting alien bounty hunter from The X-Files!" before getting punched in the face and thrown out of the car, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend, who stars screeching as the bounty hunter reaches for her. Opening credits? Let's roll.

Back from commercials, the Worst Makeout Session Ever is now a crime scene, with a cop telling Reese the boy's saying the girl was taken by some kind of monster, "butt-ugly" and strong as a gorilla. And I'm betting those weren't the kid's exact words. The cop's skeptical, since if his girlfriend were kidnapped right in front of him, he'd lie and say it was King Kong, too. Reese points out that the car door was ripped off (it's some distance from the car) which couldn't have been done by a normal person. The uniform wonders if they should put out an APB on Sasquatch, which doesn't thrill Reese; he asks whether the cop has a theory that actually fits the facts. He suggests, "PCP, meth-heads...a really big can opener?" Reese gets up from his Crime Scene Evidence Examination Squat and says, "Sorry, but the 'really big can opener' theory of the crime's not doing it for me." The cop gets all "whatever" on him and says, "Look, detective, if you need me, I'll be on planet Earth" and swaggers away, and I have to say that Reese and this cop have more chemistry than Barbara and Wade do.

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Birds of Prey

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