Weeds

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Cash, Grass Or Hash
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

They're holding Doug's face in a fishtank -- Whence? I guess Judah-Andy's spending spree -- but he won't tell them where the Botwins went, because he doesn't know where the Botwins went, because he doesn't know anything. However, his dialogue is about ten times cleverer than usual, so he gives the illusion of knowingness. "I was having a really good day. I won ten bucks on a scratcher. Oh, a day can turn so fast..."

Cesar and Ignacio are of the opinion that Doug is "their close friend," as though they have those or have ever had those, and he reminds them how the Botwins are selfish assholes, so they offer to cut off a testicle. Correctly, Ignacio is worried about the concept of touching Doug's balls, and frankly thinks it's weird that Cesar doesn't share this concern.

Doug points out that he came to the ransacked and abandoned Ren-Mar house with a bucket of chicken and "that Crispin Glover movie with the retarded people," which is really sort of awesome, or at least too awesome for Doug, and he whines for awhile, and they finally just decide to kill him: "We believe you. Congratulations." Doug whines for a moment -- "Winning is supposed to feel good!" -- and then pulls out his phone, spooking the assassins.

Doug has Andy's number listed as "Andy Buttwank" -- which Ignacio thinks is really clever -- and so then he calls whatever Seattle hobo happened to find Uncle Randy's phone when Andy died. (Although that's confusing, because didn't they toss their phones at the border? Whatever.) So Doug pretends that he's chatting with Andy, but really it's this ass-crazy bearded fellow who says funny things in response to the bizarre things Doug's pretending to say.

"I'm sitting in a world of shit, brother... Caught a cat yesterday..." Doug's like, "Sounds awesome!" Doug learns that Andy's phone is in an alley in Seattle, decides that's probably close enough that he might still manage to get their entire family murdered, and then tosses the phone in the fishtank. "I know where he is, I'm not gonna tell you, and if you torture me again I'm just gonna lie, so you have to keep me alive, so I can lead you to him." Not even Doug can believe he worked that one out so quickly, or that it worked.

Mostly I'm just super glad Doug is back, because he brings the constant and charming and ever-so-grown up ballsack faggot dicksucking buttwank anal beads talk with him wherever he goes, as you'll see. In fact, we're going to drink every time somebody says any of those sweaty tacky words in this episode. You will be quite drunk by the end. This is because of Doug.

At the motel, they've got quite a spread going. Seems Silas-Mike bought a bunch of food "with the money he made sucking off an old man." Nathalie doesn't know about that little story, and it takes awhile for her to get the story straight, so to speak. "See? He just... Read to him. In his... Underwear. And the guy tipped him." Somehow it sounds even dirtier in the morning light.

Randy's making some kind of hibachi croquettes, about which he is being particularly annoying because he is still all over Chef Stormare's dick for some reason I still don't understand. He's never really been this boy-crazy before and I don't know what it's about. On the one hand he's all about being Nathalie's moral compass, but on the other hand he's looking for approval from a random person for a thing he's always been super-confident about. I don't know. Randy as usual walks that line between a good reason to date and a good reason to avoid dating.

Anyway, Nathalie jokes about Baby Avi eating one of Randy's experiments, since they're not really a breakfast food, and Shawn is like, "Avi does not eat solid food yet. It's jarring and amazing and intense. Nathalie's weird about it, because he's being weird, and tries to sort of get her baby away from her son, but he tells her she's fired as a mom:

"I'm in charge of Avi. You guys are a bad influence... Your job right now is to be a maid and to keep your husband from finding us. My job is to protect Avi. Let's do our jobs."

Mike is a bad influence, of course, because he yanks wieners for cash. (At this point Mike takes his leave, so he can have sex with a girl, so that he won't be gay-tainted anymore, because reading aloud to an old man might turn you gay or get gay on you. Boys are fucking stupid.)

Randy, let's not even get into it. And then there's Nathalie, who frankly thinks Shawn is cruisin' for a bruisin': "You're not a bad influence because you're a drug dealer. You're a bad influence because you're a bad drug dealer." Shawn's grounded, not that it means anything, and Nathalie begs Randy for validation of her skillz.

"Really, if we look back on your illustrious career, great is not the adjective that pops out at you." Randy agrees that Nathalie had her moments -- and let's be real, she totally did -- but that overall she was sort of a trainwreck. "Try not to get arrested today," Shawn says in this perfectly hilarious, nasty way, and bounces.

You guys, Shawn is the new Celia. He's like OCD Celia now. He asks the same questions she would ask, for essentially the same reasons and from the same damaged places, but there's something very ethical in the way that he thinks that makes it better in some ways. I miss the shit out of Celia.

Nancy gets this horrible bastard little shit of a concierge alone, and tries to set up a drug dealing relationship with him, but he's too busy saying every little-boy dirty word he can think of, so it takes forever, and he wants to sample the product because she is "a white lady with no accent working as a maid in 2010," so probably she... Doesn't have good drugs? Is not a success-oriented personality? Is untrustworthy? I don't really know what he meant by that, but at least Nathalie's back working dudes, which is like her only skill.

Estelle is some old lady that is really condescending to Chef Wagner in front of everybody, and he kisses her ass and whatever, and she didn't like his appetizer, but she could have eaten twelve of the amuse-bouche, which of course he did not create, which is of course the entire point of the amuse-bouche, so either Randy is really stupid or we're pretending we don't know what an amuse-bouche is for some reason, or we actually don't know what an amuse-bouche is and just remember it as a cheffy kind of word from Friends, I can't say, but either way Randy is fired.

Estelle tucks some old lady-smelling twenty or something into Chef's chest pocket and heads back outside to be a dick to somebody else, and luckily there is a plate of the duck confit croquette we're calling an amuse-bouche just sailing by right then, so instead of stabbing Randy in the eye socket like he wants to do, Chef tries it. If his bouche is not amused, Randy says, he can cut off Randy's finger. I wish he would. I fuckin' love it when parts come off Randy.

(At least it would make this scene surprising, or interesting. No, it's not even that, it's that the whole thing feels as rote to write as it is to live through. "Yeah, yeah, he has to impress the Chef in episode four so that some later storyline can happen," or maybe just because of the biofuel thing later in this very episode, "But don't spend too much time on it, since it's a dumb cliché anyway." But seeing that old bitch act weird -- Estelle too, zing on you Stormare -- was pretty great, so it's fine and clearly for setup regardless.)

But instead, Chef is impressed and so now Randy's the new sous chef. Just like that. It's cursory. It's desultory. But it's happening. And then they make Randy think that he has to suck a dick -- Doug is heading ever further north! -- but really it's just that he has to climb under and between the legs of all the people and be spanked by the Spanking Machine, and then I guess because of his crush on Stormare he screams in German.

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