First, we see Nucky lounging around, bored, while two women bounce around atop a naked Hague. Our Mandolin Girl kneels at Nucky's feet and asks him what he wants. "I try to be good," Nucky tells her, frankly. "I really do." Mandolin Girl's like, "My shift ended an hour ago, you wanna get this nut busted or what?" Actually, her exact words are, "It's too late to be good." Which have the added benefit of double-meaning and thematic resonance. I'll stand by my nut-busting paraphrasing, however.

Back to Van Alden, he takes off his shirt, lays down a towel, and perches on the edge of his bed. Propping the photo of Margaret up on the nightstand, he removes his belt. Auto-erotic asphyxiation time, you ask? Nah. Just some old-fashioned flogging! All the best stereotypically religious, proto-fascist, creepily obsessive hypocrites are doing it! It's a powerful image, sure -- Van Alden's back is scarred to fuck -- but again I ask: haven't we seen this character before? I suppose I shouldn't pile on; Van Alden's beating himself up enough for the both of us.

Joe R isn't saying he'd DEFINITELY be someone's concubine for a three-bedroom flat, but ... hey, don't judge. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.

How is Boardwalk Empire like the Muppet Babies of the gangster genre? Watch vloggers Beth & Val explain: