Home Invasion

Episode Report Card
Pamie: B+ | Grade It Now!
Knock, Knock

Fade in on a man getting a midnight snack. He drinks juice and then dumps it into his sink. He checks the back door: it's locked. A dog barks in the distance.

The man turns off the lights and heads toward his bed. Suddenly, there's a flashlight from the closet. The man looks, the flashlight approaches, and a large bald man is standing there. In slow motion, the bald man punches the Midnight Snacker. Midnight Snacker falls to the bed in slow motion. The flashlight is in his face. More punching. Fade to black.

Fade in on the flashlight again. Now our Midnight Snacker is tied to his bed. His face is bleeding in many places. He shuts his eyes and moans. "Where's my wife? Who are you?" he asks quickly, prompting another punch to the face. The bald man -- who looks a little like The Real World Miami's Dan but with a cauliflower nose -- lisps that Midnight Snacker will speak only when spoken to. We learn Midnight Snacker's name: Edward. Every time Edward speaks, he gets another punch to the face. Edward is forced to say "Yes, sir." Our bad guy smiles and spouts a few more Bad Guy Clichés. He shows Edward his wife: she's only a few feet away, tied to a chair, being rather uncharacteristically quiet for a woman watching her husband get the shit kicked out of him. She's wearing that nightgown that all women are contractually obligated to wear when they're getting held hostage, bound and gagged. "N-n-n-n-ice," Evil Dan says. He pulls on Mrs. Edward's hair and says that her mileage is starting to show, so that's why he's going to use Edward's daughter.

Cue the daughter's entrance. The bad guys throw her on the bed. The daughter makes the moans and gasps she's supposed to make. For some reason, she's got a huge metal Amistad collar around her neck with chains going down to her wrists. Edward spouts a few more clichés and then gets punched again. Bad Dan can't stop smiling about how great this all is, with the punching and the power and the control. His partner's name is Keith. He "likes to do things." Bad Dan smiles and says, "I like" He doesn't like to watch Keith; he likes to watch the father watch his daughter get raped. It appears that Bad Dan then puts his hand down the front of his pants as he sits near Edward and watches. Oh, Boomtown. If you missed us this much, you could have just sent flowers. This all was really unnecessary.

Fearless. Slow-motion crime scene as incredibly dramatic music plays. It's Edward's house, post-terrorizing. Flashblubs flash. Bodies are carried out on stretchers. It is solemn, and slow-motion-y. There's fresh, bright red blood everywhere. Wahlberg takes a rape swab. Thanks for showing us that. Fearless walks around with a face of righteous indignation, not actually helping anybody -- just walking around pissed and slow.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP