Insured By Smith & Wesson

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Pamie: A | Grade It Now!
Step By Step

We start in the parking lot. Media. Lots of cops. Guns drawn. We are in a hostage situation. LAPD identifies itself on a megaphone. We're in front of Moe's Sports Village, which is decorated for Thanksgiving. It's Fearless on the loudspeaker; from him, we learn that they've been waiting outside the building for ninety minutes, and that they're trying to find out the condition of the hostages inside. Snipers are in position. Fearless announces that in five minutes they will be forced to enter the building.

Fearless keeps his gun trained on the building as he sidesteps over to Wahlberg's car. Wahlberg asks Fearless what he thinks. Fearless says the suspects are fixing to have more holes in them than the giant inflatable turkey that's currently deflated on the roof. Fearless hears Ray tell another man that the suspects were coming out of the building when he and Gedrick pulled up. Shots were fired, and then the suspects went back into the building. The man asks, for no real reason, which person shot the turkey. Ray doesn't answer, so it's safe to assume he shot the turkey.

A suspect exits with a hostage. Wahlberg says he's got Fearless's back. The suspect threatens that he's got "plenty more" inside to shoot if he has to kill this hostage here. Fearless whistles to get the man's attention. Holding his arms out to the side, Fearless asks if they can talk. Fearless identifies himself, and the man tells him to stay where he is and put his hands up high. The suspect's a small, bald man with gray hair all over his face. He's nervous, seeing how many cops are around. Fearless asks for his name. "Eat me. That's my name," he answers. Fearless tells Eat Me that he'd like to end this peacefully. He says that if Eat Me gives up now, things'll go easier. Eat Me asks for a van, big enough to hold six. He also wants food and water, and two bulletproof vests. He's taking four hostages to Mexico with him. When he knows that he and his partner are safe, they'll let the hostages go. The hostage in his arms shouts, "Just do what he says." The hostage in his arms is Joe Penny, who some of you might know from Jake and the Fatman and Riptide. But if you're like me, you're sitting there going, "Oh, it's that guy. Where's that guy from? Is it Simon and Simon? Hart to Hart? Scarecrow and Mrs. King? How come there aren't any more bad buddy cop shows anymore? Why did my mom watch such bad television when I was growing up? Why was there a Remington Steele? Remember Sledgehammer? Oh, I know this guy from The Sopranos." Anyway, Eat Me tells Jake...or the Fatman (I didn't watch the show, remember?) to shut up. They do it with a zooming camera and an echoed effect on his vocals so it's really cool and totally scary and so hip. Fearless says he'll do what he can, but he needs to know how the hostages are doing. Eat Me tells him that a woman got shot, but that she's still alive. Fearless suggests that Eat Me let her out, so that he doesn't have a murder charge on his hands. Eat Me says he's not releasing anybody until he gets a van. Fearless points out that the negotiation process will take a serious nosedive if she dies. Eat Me will let them bring in a doctor with two bulletproof vests and some food. Burgers and fries. Fearless says they'd prefer not to put anyone else inside. Eat Me doesn't give a damn, and says he wants his van in thirty minutes, or bodies will start dropping. Killer guitar starts jamming, letting us know how serious this hostage situation is.

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