Insured By Smith & Wesson

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Pamie: A | Grade It Now!
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The opening credits remind us that L.A. is full of horrible murders and crime, but that there are six sexy people willing to stand around talking about themselves while it happens.

Mary Claire Rogers. We don't actually start with her point of view, but with an aerial shot of Moe's Sports Village while Christmas music plays, even though it's a Thanksgiving-themed episode. A truck pulls up to the store, and a guy in a blue vest hurriedly gets out of the car and runs inside. That's why there are never any good parking spots at those stores -- the employees are parking in the front. Holy crap! I just turned into my father, right there! Did you see it? Yikes! Anyway, Joe Penny is rounding up all of his employees into the center of the store. He holds a bottle of champagne. He announces that he's proud to say they've survived the Thanksgiving weekend rampage. What's with television suddenly setting things way in the future? At the same time on a different channel, Curb Your Enthusiasm was having a Christmas episode. Not that I watch anything but Boomtown on Sunday nights at 10 PM. Oh, no. Not for a second would I consider taping this and watching it later. Much later. Right when I would rather be sleeping. Joe Penny makes a few jokes about how the holidays are a joyous occasion if you're not in retail. The employees -- dressed like they work at Wal-Mart -- are all charmed as hell at Joe's banter. They hug each other and giggle, the Christmas music making my eyeballs ache. Joe thanks everyone for their work, and begins calling everyone out by their name. Now, for the first time, we get to see Mary Claire, whose POV this is supposed to be. Mary Claire is an attractive, heavy-set woman with brown curly hair. Joe Penny twists open his bottle of "nectar ambrosia" as everyone applauds. As everyone lines up for glasses of goodness, Mary Claire excuses herself to go pee. That's what she says. The Christmas music's in overdrive as Joe Penny keeps pouring out booze to his employees, our POV of Mary Claire completely abandoned.

Mary Claire walks out of the women's bathroom to find that her sports store has now been taken over by gunmen. She crouches behind some equipment as she hears the men order everyone to the ground. "This is a robbery," Eat Me says. He asks for the manager. Joe Penny says he's the manager, so Eat Me points the gun at his head. He says that his friend's going to go into the back and take the money, and that nobody's gonna try anything funny, see. Mary Claire flinches when she realizes what's going on. She scampers into the back of the store, out of Eat Me's line of view. Eat Me is getting very impatient with one woman who looks pretty damn frightened to have a gun pointed at her. Mary Claire runs out the back door as Eat Me threatens to splatter the walls with employee blood.

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