Reelin' In The Years

Episode Report Card
Pamie: C+ | Grade It Now!
Cover Girl

We open on a quiet suburban street. Fearless and Wahlberg are on a stakeout. "Nationwide manhunt and Chimera's been right under our noses the entire time," comments Wahlberg. "Hide in plain sight," Fearless answers as he takes another look through his binoculars. For the first time, I notice Fearless's left eye. The color bleeds down to the bottom of his eyeball. I notice this because Fearless has launched into another bullshit monologue about fish and camouflage and my mind tends to wander when someone's telling me fun facts about tiger-striped fish while I'm looking for a murderer. Wahlberg spent all of that time Fearless was talking to come up with this winner of a line: "Yeah. And some fish get fried." Then he smiles, amazed that he actually has to say lines like that. By the way, Boomtown just got additional episodes ordered, so it looks like we'll be spending a little more time together. Amazing. Wahlberg starts to get impatient that Chimera hasn't left the house yet. Fearless notes that it's been twenty-six years, so a few minutes more won't matter. After that exposition's out of the way, a man bounds out of the house, checking his watch, wearing his businessman best. The radio announces that there's movement at the house. Wahlberg gives a simple "Wait," into the radio, and they "roger that." Wahlberg curses when he sees a little blonde girl run up to the man in the suit. Look, I know that there's a problem with body images and how little girls see themselves in this nation. I understand that it's probably best if we don't even mention how people look anymore, but this kid is freakishly skinny, and I'm concerned that her stage mom has starved her, because her spandex pants are sagging in the back, threatening to fall down. Spandex isn't supposed to sag. While I'm thinking about little girls' asses, Fearless and Wahlberg are upset because now this little girl's going to have a really shitty life in about fifteen minutes. Wahlberg radios in and tells them to wait until the kid's out of the way. A blonde runs up to the girl and kisses her on the head as the businessman drives away. "Wait," Wahlberg says again. We see the blonde start to stretch her legs, preparing to go for a jog, and the kid runs into the house, I guess to be completely unsupervised for an undetermined period of time. The blonde shakes her fingers out, since the tarsals are usually the first to cramp after Mile One.

The police cars take off in a screech as the music kicks it up a notch and we know that some serious cop stuff's about to go down. The blonde is running, running, running, and she's Patricia Wettig, and she's running as the cars screech onto her block, surround her and aim many, many weapons at her. Wahlberg shouts for her to get on the ground. He shouts it again as we fade to the opening credits.

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