Joel. I don't know why this show can't just start calling him "Wahlberg," too. Anyway, during the title card we hear Wahlberg huffing and puffing, with Kelly making the same noises, trying to make us believe that the two of them are having sex. We fade in to see that they are merely wrestling. The poor actress who plays Kelly, man. Not only is she playing the most underwritten character on television, her only purpose is to be a crazy freak who can't stop crying or a sex toy for Wahlberg to vent his pent-up Teresa frustrations upon. Case in point: here, Kelly is wearing shorts Hooter girls would deem "a bit much." Her ass is hanging out of them, right by my face. So not only is she crazy, she's crazy slutty. I feel for the girl, the girl whose name I don't know because Boomtown doesn't think she's worthy of recognition. ["It's Megan Ward, best known for her role as Bailey's crazy suicidal girlfriend in the first season of Party of Five." -- Wing Chun] Wahlberg and Kelly start smacking each other, wrestling over something we don't get to know about, until Willy -- the most underwritten child character on television -- interrupts them with a knock at the door. He must be thinking Mommy's gone crazy again, and Daddy's whacking some sense into her, but he wants to know when they're leaving. Kelly and Wahlberg tell their son not to come in because they're changing, and that they'll be ready to go soon. Wahlberg and Kelly just want to have sex, so they kiss and coo while ignoring their son. Wahlberg unpins Kelly with a "One-two-three, I win." She shouts, "You suck!" Ah, the gentle art of parenting.

Doesn't every evening family outing begin with a trip to the police station? Well, for some reason, it does tonight. Wahlberg drives his family's car into the belly of the beast. Oh, man. Look. The writers have turned me into one of them. Help me! I just wrote "into the belly of the beast"! Take away my recapper's license! (Obviously, there is no such thing, since there are so many rampant recapping rip-offs that it's frightening. Did you see they have one on the Late Show website? Someone recaps Letterman. Is that really necessary? How is that fun, reading a recap of a talk show?)