The David McNorris Show

Episode Report Card
Pamie: F | Grade It Now!

Cut to McNorris soaking wet outside, wailing at the night sky. I'm not even joking. The rest of this episode is a crapfest of bad acting and worse writing. McNorris is now drinking from a bottle, arms spread wide as he leans back Jesus-style and looks at the heavens for help. He pants and stares, drinking in the pouring rain.

Cut to McNorris breaking into Andrea's apartment, shattering the glass on her front door. What an asshole. I'm so sick of this guy.

Cut to Andrea, post-gun, pouting on her couch. "You shouldn't be telling me this," she says. McNorris tells her she could get the ultimate story out of this: "Deputy DA Helps Murder Suspect Avoid Capture." "TWoP Recapper Demands Cancellation." Andrea says that McPointy is drunk, which leads to this stupid line: "No. In some ways, I'm more clear-headed than I've been in my life." Do you think there's a staff of people making poor decisions, or just one person writing all of this badness down? Just look at that poorly-constructed sentence. McPointy walks over to the window and whispers, "Listen!" He says he loves the rain. "I love it. Rain. I have become everything that I abhor. Everything that my father once was. And I swore I wouldn't be. I've become. An adulterer. A liar. A drunk. A fixer. A fixer." Andrea can't stand not trying to help a loser, so she walks over to his wet, pathetic, drunk, gross ass and says, "Why are you here, David?" McNorris: "I'm sorry, Andrea. I'm sorry I conned you into having an affair with a married man. You are a woman of great beauty and grace. You deserve a whole lot better than me." Andrea and David are both crying now, as the sad piano tries to get in between them. Andrea slaps him. Hard. She walks away tearfully, soap-operatically. From the other side of the room, in her -- get this -- kimono, she cries. "You didn't con me," she says. "Yeah, I did," McNorris argues. "Yeah, I did," he whispers again. Shut up! McNorris starts to leave, and Andrea asks where he's going, since they haven't had make-up sad sex yet. She says she can't let him drive drunk. Why not? If he kills someone, he'll just go live in the West Indies. McNorris: "What are you gonna do? Shoot me?" My line was better.

Berman's house. McPointy's sad, wet, patheticness is at the door. Berman answers. "It's your fixer!" McPointy screams. He walks in and says he wants to take Berman up on that cocktail. Berman: "Well, somehow I think you've already had enough." Lord, these lines. McNorris: "Oh, on the contrary. I think I've just begun." SHUT UP. Berman offers to get McNorris a towel for his bleeding criminal hand, but McNorris doesn't want one. He's too busy breaking laws to stop now. "I kind of like it," he says. Berman asks what he can do for him. Instead of answering, McNorris totally pants and gasps, rain pouring down his face as he just keeps talking: "You know what the most amazing part of this whole mind-blowing day was? Seeing the look on your face when you found out your kid wasn't a murderer. 'Cause it wasn't relief. It was surprise." First of all, it's been like, three days. And secondly, you're the one who convinced him that his kid did it in the first place! "You just couldn't imagine that your son would be different from you, because you know that you probably would have done it so you just assume your son would do it too?" Berman tells McNorris to leave, prompting the worst line in the history of television: "Not all boys turn out like their old men! It's not inevitable!" McNorris then starts punching Berman over and over again until Zach comes down the stairs and screams for McNorris to leave his dad alone. Not one security man. No Mrs. Berman. Just father and son, bleeding and crying. McNorris keeps punching Berman over and over, still repeating the horrible line in bits and chunks. "Not all sons!" he shouts, being just like his old man. Zach can somehow pull McNorris off with just one arm as McNorris bellows, "IT'S NOT INEVITABLE!" Y'all. This show sucks. Zach wants to call for medical attention, since Berman broke his nose, but Berman stops him to utter the second-worst line in the history of television: "No, no, no! Just! Just stay here. Just stay here with me." McNorris has a quiet moment, admiring how he brought father and son together at last. The camera goes into slow motion as McNorris bellows at the sky, yearning for a simpler time, when his worst part of the day was getting more cream cheese for Tom Cruise before they shot another scene. Oh, man. It's so horrible. For those of you who just read the recaps now and don't watch the show, you're so fucking lucky. This slow-motion, stop-action exit shot is just ridiculous.

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