The Freak

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This One's For the Children

Fearless runs with a rifle up the hotel steps as the Russian mob screeches into the lot. Look, there's about to be a whole lotta bullshit right here. Lara opens the door to see what all the Russian noise is about, and Fearless makes a signal for her to get back inside. Gunshots. Lots of gunshots. Take any scene from Commando and paste it in here. Somehow Fearless, armed with only a rifle, can take on a mob of angry Russians with automatic weapons. Let's just pretend. He runs and shoots, his rifle somehow reloading itself as he's running. Then he just jumps backwards through a window so that glass can break and he can roll on his shoulder and look all cool. Why have the Russians not gone in the room on the other side of the building and killed the girl and mother yet? Why not just blow up the mostly empty motel? A couple of grenades. What's wrong with this mob? There's no table by this window like in all the other motel rooms, so Fearless doesn't hurt himself flipping into the empty motel room. He blows through doors with rifle shots, and somehow the Russians can't hear him shooting around. Blam! Blam! He kills Russian after Russian as he makes his way across the motel to the other side. Blam! Blam! Russians curse and hold their ears, the pain too great from the loud sound to pursue. Fearless finds Lara hiding in some bathtub somewhere and tells her to follow him. Fearless asks Lara where Katrina is. Lara says that Katrina went looking for him. Very smart. Incredibly smart. Fearless puts his vest on Lara and tells her to do everything he says, and not to listen to the Russians. Solonick calls out that he's got Lara's mother.

It's all so terribly bad, you guys. This is painful to watch again. More shooting; this time it appears as though people are shooting from the building across the street. They don't bother to make it understandable. Fearless climbs up on the roof instead of picking up Lara and letting her get up there first by lifting her easily onto the roof. He decides to go up first and then pull Lara up by her arms to increase the "tension." Where the fuck is backup? Nine thousand units respond to a missing ambulance, but nobody's by the 10?

Russians shoot up the roof, but Fearless and Lara use their psychic abilities to dodge every single bullet shot at them. Fearless never misses one shot.

Wahlberg's car pulls up on an empty street free of cars or Russians. He gets out, and Fearless shouts that he's going to throw Lara down and Wahlberg has to catch her. This is a solid plan, everyone agrees, and luckily those Russians haven't figured out how to "surround" a place, so they don't see the back part of the hotel -- the place where Wahlberg's just parked in the middle of the street, posing no problems. Also no problem is Wahlberg catching a ninety-pound girl from two stories up -- just a little stagger and a drop (insert Lara's fake scream with an echo effect for no reason), but he's fine. Lara's in the car and she's fine, too. Everybody's just great! Nobody really dies in Boomtown! Wahlberg takes extra time getting the girl in the car and running around it to drive off, giving one last look to Fearless.

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