The Freak

Episode Report Card
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This One's For the Children

Tom. The assholes from the hot tub are calling what happened an episode of The X-Files. Gedrick explains that Albert Beechum's body was stolen from a funeral home and ended up in the hot tub. Goatee and the Idiot are even more skeeved out that the body was already dead before it fell dead into their hot tub. Ray says that he and Gedrick need to know everything that happened, even before the body fell. For no reason at all, Ray calls these guys by the name "Hollywood."

But to the Conk and Sons Funeral Home, where the worst scene in this show's history is filmed. A familiar blonde is pretending to be so stupid that I don't even want to have to subject you to this writing again. She was Albert's wife, and he died while they were being newlyweds. Ray says he gets it, beaming and nodding: "The deceased passed in flagrante." The oldest joke in the world, the blonde corrects that he died while they were doing it. BOO! Was this blonde on the show before? She really looks familiar. ["She played Gabriel Dimas's mom in the first season of Six Feet Under." -- Wing Chun] Was she the yoga whore? Look, this entire sideplot means nothing to this show and it's almost over, so I'm just going to hurry it up so we can get to the rest of the shittiness. Dumb Blonde -- who looks a little like Lesley Ann Warren -- says that she used to date this guy named Charlie, who was Albert's best friend before she started dating Albert, and who might have some kind of grudge against Albert, but that there's no way he'd ever do anything like this. This, of course, means that Charlie did this. This blonde is way too cheery to be a widow. I'd check her background. Maybe she's drunk. She slurs her words as she makes a joke about how Charlie's such a wimp that if he threw himself at the ground, he'd miss. Who wrote this episode, Red Skelton? Gedrick looks right at the camera at one point, pleading with us, "Get me the fuck off this show. I'm so sorry for whatever it was I did."

Cut to an indeterminate amount of time later, when the idiot widow is looking at Albert in his coffin. The funeral parlor is empty, but the organ music's playing away like a service is going on. Charlie walks in, beaming from ear to ear, saying that he did it. Ray cuffs him as Charlie auditions to be a Stars Hollow diner patron.

David McNorris. Wahlberg doesn't want Lara to testify, but McNorris has been trying to nail Solonick for six years, and this little girl's the closest thing he's ever had. Wahlberg says again that the mother said that Lara couldn't testify, so McNorris tells Wahlberg to change the way she's thinking. Fearless reminds him that the little girl could get killed if she testifies. McNorris says he'll arrange for protective custody. Wahlberg cracks that protective custody never goes wrong. McNorris says they don't have any other choice. Wahlberg tells him that this is the Russian mob, and not a softball team. They have a code to kill anyone who crosses any line: "All of them, including ten-year olds." Wahlberg, Fearless, and McNorris walk down a hallway at breakneck speed as Wahlberg accuses McNorris of being a cold-blooded killer willing to kill a child to lock up one man. McNorris explains that what he does keeps us from getting raped and robbed whenever we walk outside. Wahlberg interjects a joke about how nobody walks in L.A. as Fearless zones out again. Fearless says they're going to bring in Solonick, but that they won't use the girl. McNorris says they should bring in Solonick, but that they might have to use the girl. I'm so bored. Fearless and Wahlberg look longingly at each other. Lara and her mother sit in the interrogation room as fake Russian music plays in the background. I never thought I'd miss the sad piano.

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