The Freak

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This One's For the Children

Charlie. He explains that he stole Albert's body from the funeral home. We watch his clumsy break-in via Flashback Film as he tells us it wasn't that hard, and that he was flying "Hans Solo." As he tells us how easy it was and how it was all under control, Flashback Film shows us just how difficult it was to haul around a dead body. Just in case we couldn't tell that this was supposed to be "comedic," they pipe in the wacky oboe and violin, as if once again we're watching a Looney Tunes cartoon instead of a Prime Time Cop Drama. Insert bad wrestling joke here as Charlie once again auditions to be the poor man's Kirk.

Flashback Film tells us that Charlie was yelling to Albert about friendship and dedication as he dragged his body to a ladder, lifted him up, and shoved him in a cannon. Somehow, we aren't supposed to realize that he's stuffing him in a cannon as he tells Albert over and over again that he's living up to the promise Charlie made him while Albert was alive.

Charlie tells Ray and Gedrick that he was supposed to put the body in the ocean, but that he accidentally pushed the button that blasted the cannon and that's why Albert's body went perfectly into the hot tub. Everyone plays the "What Button? Where? Huh? What's the Crazy-Wacky-Subplot?" game for way too long until Charlie explains what we already know -- he promised Albert that he'd shoot his body out of a cannon into the ocean when he died. Charlie explains that he rented the cannon from a circus supply store and returned it without a problem. No, look, and really -- when Charlie says he wishes he could take back the hot tub part, they reverse the Flashback Film (which isn't in Flashback colors, for some inconsistent reason) so that the body flies back out of the hot tub and into the cannon. People. It is getting close to boycott time, do you hear me? Is this Saturday morning? Are we seven? How much mental abuse and how many insults are we supposed to take? And whoever's doing the background noises needs to quit it. It sounds like an Eminem record with all the fake screams, whooshing noises, and wacky oboe accents they're laying down. Anyway, dumb blonde wife explains that Albert was always joking when he asked Charlie to shoot him from a cannon, because he never thought Charlie would have it in him. Dumb Wife is so turned on by Charlie's bravery that she's going to be sleeping with him again. Not one tear shed for poor Albert. Not one laugh wasted on this subplot.

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