Mad props to Omar G for saving my ass and sending me a tape of this week's episode. I promise to never leave the house on a Sunday night again, since clearly I'm incapable of using a VCR now that I've been babied by TiVo.
I can't believe this teaser for the show just had the following:
Character on Show: You want the truth?
Narrator: If you can handle the truth.
Come on. Come on, that's so lame. Why does this show dip into the lame so quickly?
We open at some docks. The producers hope we've forgotten the moaning and whining of the Pilot, where they told us that L.A. contains no body of water. A picnic cooler is lifted from the water. "We need it clean," someone announces, warning the dock guys to be careful. The cooler is lowered in front of McNorris, Wahlberg, and Fearless. They note the bullet holes. They open the cooler. Wahlberg shoots a look at Fearless. McNorris leaves with a disgruntled moan. The cooler holds only an anchor. Wahlberg looks at Fearless again. Fearless's tie flaps in the wind.
Then we get the opening credits that love themselves more than any other opening credits that have ever existed.
David McNorris. He walks up the courthouse steps. "Let us have faith that right makes might," the building proclaims.
In the courtroom, a girl is on the stand, saying that her sister wasn't depressed about her breakup with Robert: "She was relieved." Then she stopped returning calls, so the blonde witness went to her sister's apartment: "And that's where I found her diary." Since she's her sister (and, I'm guessing, her younger sister), she just opened up that private document and started reading. Robert had been following her sister since she'd left him. He'd call her at all hours. "She was scared of him," the witness says. "And then...uh," she trembles. "She vanished." The defendant holds his expensive ring up to his lips and touches his face. Wahlberg gives him a look. McNorris thanks the witness. Julia Sloane, we learn, is the victim's name, and the night she disappeared, she was fighting at a restaurant with the defendant, Robert Blake...er, I mean, "Colson." Robert Colson. His name is Robert Colson. His name is Robert Colson! His name is Robert Colson! His name is Robert Colson! I am Jack's apathetic attitude towards this show. McNorris tells us this as he tells it to the courtroom. Andrea takes notes, thinking about sex with McNorris. Then Robert bought a cooler from Big Five Sporting Goods -- the same cooler they found at the bottom of the Santa Monica Bay three weeks later. Jay Colson, Robert's brother and only alibi, owns a boat. That boat is missing an anchor. Jay sure looks like Steve Guttenberg. I missed the opening credits. Is it? Nah, it can't be. This guy's too young. But not so young that I won't call him "Guttenberg" for the rest of the recap. McNorris says that Guttenberg's GPS coordinates led them to the exact place where the cooler was dumped. Robert calls an objection. McNorris tells the judge that Robert's got counsel to do the objecting for him. "The counsel has second chair," Robert says. "Who also happens to be the defendant," McNorris says. Robert laughs, since this murder trial is all great fun. The judge tells McNorris that Robert's stood in his courtroom for over two decades and has proven himself to be a fine, upstanding citizen. And since McNorris doesn't have a body, weapon, witness, or motive, he sees no reason to call a trial. He says that McNorris had promised to provide a body, and didn't. He dismisses the charge of first-degree murder, and Robert pats his lawyer on the back. Wahlberg leaves angrily. McNorris gives his scary icy stare.