Boston Public
Chapter One

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Wherein Fyvush Finkel says, "Look at those breasts!"

Back at school (do we know the name of the school yet? Did I miss it?), Milton is talking to Dana Poole and friends in the ever-exciting hallway. She is, I guess, wearing a bra now. Wait, let me pause it. Yep, definitely. Anyhow, Bra-lita is turning on the smarm: "I just want you to know, that horse thing, it's not what the students think of you." Milton appreciates that. "In fact, most of the girls find you incredibly sexy. Sometimes when I go to bed at night I think of you and I touch myself." Milton now realizes she's pulling his clown hair. He snorts away, as the bad girls titter at his expense. Just then, Mr. Senate comes to the rescue: "You think that's funny? What, you're students so you don't have to consider a teacher's feelings?" Teachers have feelings? I thought they had no feelings, like politicians, actors, hookers, and cops. Anyway, Mr. Senate gets rid of Dana's little followers to talk to her alone. He's all, "Dana, why don't you try something new and act like an adult." She's all, "Gee, if I did, that might take some of the fun out of things for you, wouldn't it Mr. Senate?" Wow, they bicker like an old couple. Hmmm.

Meanwhile, Anthony is getting thrashed in a corner by the bully we saw earlier. The bully, using all the mental faculties at his disposal, has wisely chosen to kick Anthony's ass behind a trophy case that looks out onto the bustling hallway ("No one will see me behind this window…"). Coach Kevin spots the massacre and comes to the rescue. "What the hell is this about?" The bully's all, "Just a misunderstanding, sir." Kevin tells Anthony to beat it, and then tells the tough guy that if he's so tough he should come play football and then we'll see how tough he really is, heh heh heh . Of course, it doesn't help that the bully is both taller and wider than Coach "Stopped Growing At Eleven" Kevin. Blah blah blah, if I catch you beating someone up one more time you'll really be in trouble. As we shall see, this is some sort of school policy. Everyone gets as many last chances as they need.

In a not-so-private room where random students seem to be milling around, the meeting with Jason Harrelson's attorney is under way. Anthony Heald, Ms. Davis, Principal Steverino, and father and son Harrelson are all present. The attorney, who in eight hundred years will look exactly like Yoda, wants to serve Jason's interests, and avoid acrimony. Anthony Heald says that involving attorneys is not the best way to avoid acrimony, and that he'd like to serve the interests of the entire student body. He's got a point; two, actually. But Mr. Harrelson flips out: "See? This is what we're dealing with!" Uh, what? Cogent reasoning? How infuriating. Anyway, Yoda says, "I wouldn't presume to tell teachers how to assess their students, but exalting Jason's grades to a point where he's disqualified --" If you think that sentence makes no sense, you're not alone, because it doesn't.

Luckily for the show, Anthony Heald notices it too, and mockingly says, "No one here is exalting Jason's grades, I assure you." As if to say, "You obviously got your law degree through the mail. Only natural, you living in the swamps of Degobah, and all." Mr. Harrelson is having none of this, and seeks to top the Tree Trunk Axiom from earlier with the Postulate of Idiocy: "Sir, when you talk to me like I'm an idiot, I become one. And you do not want to be in a room with me when I am an idiot, do you understand me?" Um, no, but let's move on. The ancient Jedi master says, "Since we seem to be embracing acrimony, here is the bottom line: we're preparing to go into court arguing the grade system itself is capricious, and to make that point we may be soliciting testimony from you, Mr. Harper, school principal, who just last month declared in a teacher's conference that the system was not only archaic but also contraindicated to motivation."

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Boston Public

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