Boston Public
Chapter Six

Episode Report Card
Key Grip: B | Grade It Now!
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During which Fyvush Finkel intones, "She beats those kids for pleasure!"

Props to the "Fan Mail" thread in the forum. It's the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Previously on Boston Public: Harry and Lauren aren't seeing anybody, and will set each other up, and it's a terrible idea to date at work; Harry takes a student to work at the morgue. Hey, both of those scenes really aired on the show! Imagine that.

The hallway. Steven and a teacher stride along, as the latter snarks, "I'm sick and tired of people looking at me sideways, like I'm some subpar teacher." Maybe you should stand in front of them, then. Ba dum bum. Steven says something reassuring, but apparently test scores are down and "that's all they care about, the test scores." The teacher needs new books, and has no faith that they'll arrive any time soon. "The fact is," says Tim, for that is the teacher's name, "Scott Guber doesn't care about math." Actually, Tim's voice sounds almost exactly like Scott "Anthony Heald" Guber's, doesn't it? Meanwhile, Tim has a heart attack in the stairwell. We see from his POV, and everything gets all slow-mohair, and Steven says, "Tiiim…yooo okaaaay maannn?" and the math teacher crashes to the floor. Pandemonium. Fake CPR. Coach Kevin appears, looks at the man lying on the ground, motionless, with his eyes closed, and says, "Is he unconscious?" What a stupid question. But it sets up the powerful line that will take us into the opening credits: "He's dead." Gee, thanks, I didn't realize you had a degree in medicine. Care to call the time of death, Dr. Steven, or hazard a guess as to the cause? Perform an autopsy? I'm mean, seriously, even if there's no pulse, he's not "dead" yet, he fell down five seconds ago! Maybe Dr. Coach Kevin should give him a second opinion.

Opening credits. Feed smack to George Harrison. Force him to record music. Chain one thousand monkeys to the mixing board. Voila! "Music."

The hallway. The aftermath. Paramedics cart out the dead body of Tim The Math Teacher. "I'm alive!" he yells from beneath the sheet, but everyone ignores him because Dr. Steven pronounced him dead. Just kidding. Dr. Anthony Heald is saying, "He told me he passed a stress test three weeks ago." Dr. Coach Kevin says, "I heard a rumor that he and his wife separated." Dr. Steven says no, he just went to visit them, but Kevin insists it's true. As rumors always are. The Exposition Fairy pipes up on the Vice-Walkie-Talkie and tells Scott he's needed in the infirmary, and off he goes. Determined to ask an amazingly stupid question in every scene, Kevin says, "Steven, you okay?" No, dumbass, he just watched a man die. Steven says, "Yeah." Kevin ventures that Steven and Tim were "close" and Steven concurs, "We started together." If they were so close, one wonders, why didn't we see Tim anywhere in the first five episodes? Steven says, "He tried to talk me out of taking the principal job, said it would kill me." Oh, so now Tim's a doctor, too? No, wait, that was irony!

Close up of a bruise on some girl's ass. We're in the infirmary, and the school nurse is showing Anthony Heald a suspicious red mark on a student's hindquarters. Guber stares, thinking, "I wonder if Lauren Davis's tushy looks like that?" The girl asks if she can pull up her pants, and the nurse is all, "I just needed for the vice-principal to see it." Why? Have they cut some perverted deal? Isn't there a female administrator who could check out the evidence? Anyway, Anthony Heald is all, "Mrs. Walsh did this?" The girl says, "Yeah, it was one thing when it was a ruler, but she's got this paddle thing now. Can I go?" She probably needs to go buy some wrinkle cream, because this high-school girl is at least twenty-eight. Anthony Heald glowers, and turns his liquid metal hand into a paddle. The nurse tells Anthony Heald of another student in Mrs. Walsh's class who recently got an infection from a similar lesion. Ruh-roh, Mrs. Walsh.

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Boston Public

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