Boston Public
Chapter Six

Episode Report Card
Key Grip: B | Grade It Now!
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During which Fyvush Finkel intones, "She beats those kids for pleasure!"

Lauren's classroom. An ornery-looking student is saying, "Why are you settling on my ass?" I don't know if that's supposed to be clever, or if it's a coincidence, but in case it's the latter, here's a joke: transfer to Mrs. Walsh's class, kid, and learn what someone settling on your ass is really like. Zing! Anyway, Lauren is all, "I'm just asking if you did the assignment, Webster." Webster fires back, "Just like you axed yesterday, like you axed the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that." Axed? Oh, wow, that's even worse then the paddle, eh, Webster? Anyhow, Lauren says, "And did you do the assignments on these days?" Webster asserts that he does not respond well to harassment, and Lauren basically just tells him to shut up so she can get on with the class. "Bitch," he says, when she turns her back, and not too quietly if you know what I mean. She rounds on him, and he covers with intentional lameness by explaining that he was mad at himself and said, "Son of a bitch." Lauren, not fooled by his infantile shenanigans, makes him go stand in the corner. So apparently the theme of this episode is archaic punishments appropriate for children. Lauren turns her attention to a student named Susan (are they out of names already? Wasn't there already a Susan on this show?), only to note that her t-shirt bears the imperative: "Do Me."

Mrs. Walsh's classroom. A student is delivering an irreverent monologue about The Bard: "Look, I ain't sayin' he was a hoax. I'm just sayin' everyone thinks he's so trick 'cause he's dead." That's sort of what he says, though I'm not sure about the word "trick," but whatever. "I mean, Shakespeare," the kid goes on, "He probably changed his name, too. His real name was probably, like, Dwight Shwagg." Yeah, that was totally Shakespeare's real name. Also, why would anyone be snotty in a classroom where the teacher hits people with a paddle? Which I guess speaks to the efficacy of corporal punishment, or, in this case, its lack thereof. Meanwhile, Anthony Heald slips into the back of the room, just in time for the student to share his thoughts on Shakespeare's choice of subject matter, and his theory that the "to be or not to be" speech was all about Hamlet (or maybe Shakespeare, he's not clear) debating his own sexuality. Mrs. Walsh is all, "Oh, I just love a curious mind, Mr. Wilkins. But not when that curiosity is fueled by cynicism." Hey, how convenient, here comes the paddle.

Mr. Wilkins acts all cowed, like he couldn't see this coming ten miles away, and the teacher goes on, "Cynicism is like a cancer that rots the brain. It's like the media with all their negative blather, it's just saying, 'Notice me.'" Nice. A random nonsensical reference to the giant faceless "media" is always a good justification for hitting minors. Anyway, she makes Mr. Wilkins come to the front of the room, and smacks his ass really hard, twice. Everyone winces sympathetically. Where are we, Singapore? Ah ha ha ha ha!

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Boston Public

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