Boston Public
Chapter Three

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Key Grip: D | Grade It Now!
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Wherein Fyvush Finkel says, "You've been making eyes at their buttocks area."

Anti-props to the Fox network, which has picked up this show into the foreseeable future. As Sars said in the forums, we're in for the long haul...

Scenes from previous episodes. No bras. Lipschultz in trouble. Slow-lita in trouble. Mr. Senate throws things. Principal Steve hits people. Marla's crazy. Lauren and Harry aren't seeing anyone. The superintendent is mean. Parents are yelling.

The hallway. Louisa the Secretary brings Principal Steve up to date on the school's vital signs. She's like the chorus in a Shakespeare play: exposition personified. She is not, in fact, the school secretary. She's the Exposition Fairy. And she says, "I spoke with Detective Danby. No arrests over the weekend. No automobile accidents." Steven is pleased. She goes on, "The infirmary is filled with sleeping Desegs again. We've also got some busted plumbing in the basement. Smells like sewage. Maintenance is working on it, but it smells pretty foul down there. Remember you have that school board meeting Wednesday night." Thank you, Exposition Fairy! There shall be a bright, shiny ingot of the purest gold in your future, if you promise to return, bearing baskets brimming with more precious exposition, later in the episode! Also, I could barely buy Lipschultz using the word Desegs. The Exposition Fairy using it is really unbelievable.

A classroom. For some reason, Scott "Anthony Heald" Guber is teaching a class. WHY IS HE TEACHING A CLASS!? WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT HIS JOB IS AT THIS DAMN SCHOOL! Is he the lawyer? Is he the Vice-Principal? It doesn't help that he appears to be teaching a class on Morality. "So honesty," he's saying, "complete honesty is called for in every situation. Is that your position, Ms. Harris?" The student agrees, because "there's no such thing as a good liar." Okay, has she been watching this bullshit about missing ballots in Florida? Because the whole Bush family is an excellent group of liars, as far as I'm concerned. Certainly a cyborg like Anthony Heald is capable of lying well. Anyhow, he asks the intrepid student if she'd be honest with a retarded person who was badly dressed. She says, "If he wasn't mentally right, then I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings." Anthony Heald chuckles. Ha ha ha. Foolish young person. Not yet comfortable with shades of moral relativism. He says, "Why don't you tell us your criterion for honesty, Ms. Harris. Whether someone's feelings would be hurt? The mental acuity of the person you're talking with? Whether a greater good is served by dishonesty?" Meanwhile, everyone in the classroom starts snickering and pointing. They're probably laughing because the school lawyer has wandering into their classroom and started lecturing them for no reason. No, wait, they're laughing because Anthony "Freaks and Geeks" Ward is hanging upside down outside the window. So it's time for some wacky vaudevillian banter. "What are you doing?" "Not a whole lot, sir." Ba dum bum.

Opening Credits. In that they "open" bleeding wounds in my eardrums with their unbelievably bad music. Also, you know what? The credit music seems to be at odds with the actual tone of the show, which is a lot less gritty than the sitars and the slow-mohair seem to suggest. The show itself is kind of wacky and bouncy and sappy, but these credits get it all wrong. Or the show has it wrong. One of the two.

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Boston Public

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