Boston Public
Chapter Three

Episode Report Card
Key Grip: D | Grade It Now!
Wherein Fyvush Finkel says, "You've been making eyes at their buttocks area."

The hallway. "Cannibals?" says Anthony Heald, voice high-pitched with incredulity. He's talking to Lauren Davis, so I guess she finally caved and told him what she's into. Wait, no, apparently she's been teaching her class that Native Americans ate people. Yeah, after ambushing them at school board meetings. Wow, those jokes turned out to have actual plot relevance -- who knew? "The subject came up," Lauren is saying, "that some Native American tribes might have been cannibals, in a class discussion." Anthony Heald tells her she can't teach that, and she tells him he can't tell her what to teach. I don't know whether that's true or not, because I still haven't figured out what his position at the school is. She glares at Anthony Heald, her gaze freezing him as though he's been doused with liquid nitrogen. Then she shatters him into millions of shards, quipping, "Hasta la vista, baby." Actually, no. Instead, Marla Hendricks appears and demands to know why she's being banned from the school board meeting. Then she says, "You are ashamed of me. You can't keep me locked up in a closet." Sounds like she knows exactly why she's been banned, but Anthony Heald patiently explains it anyway: "If your name is brought up, I fear that you would attempt to speak. That would be very unfortunate for you, and for Steven." Meanwhile, Lauren has disappeared. "That bony-ass bitch can't really move Steven out, can she?" says Marla. Anthony Heald is all, "That bony...Marsha Shinn has a lot of power. Steven is at his most vulnerable. I implore you, for his sake and for yours, go to a movie tonight." Coach Kevin appears, to explain that the football team has a meeting, and refuses to shower with the suspected homosexual linebacker. Busy day for the T-1000. Marla suggests stenciling "homophobe" on all their helmets. Anthony Heald tells her to shut up, and advises, "You do absolutely nothing. You can't force them to shower, they'd have a sexual harassment claim. If you don't let the boy shower, he's got a discrimination claim." If he does nothing, Coach Kevin wants to know, what does that make him? That's the question this "cast member" should be asking himself about his screen time, but anyway, Anthony Heald is all: "A football coach." Meanwhile, Marla has disappeared, and he runs off after her.

The cool teacher hang-out where they all go to unwind. Lauren, Harry, Milton, and Marilyn (oh, hey, look who it is; maybe she'll get a story arc -- oh, wait, no she doesn't) are all sitting around drinking beer. Milton is challenging Harry on his teaching methods. "'Total screw-up'? And that's to build their esteem?" Harry asserts that keeping them awake is the first priority. Blah blah blah, they don't care, they don't want to listen, they suck, "I'm a teacher, damn it, a teacher"-cakes. "It just takes longer in the dungeon," says Lauren. That sounds almost dirty. Oh, sue me, I'm trying to make this show interesting. Coach Kevin slides into the booth (now I'm sounding dirty), and Milton's all, "So? Is he gay?" Kevin's like, "How should I know?" Yeah, because they probably discuss sexual orientation after every play. "You don't talk about it?" says Milton, and Kevin's like, "Yeah, between every play." Hey, I stand corrected. Milton asserts that, while he's no homophobe, he wouldn't be comfortable showering with someone who was sexually attracted to him. Instead of just letting that giant target hang out there, which would be funnier, or at least taking a creative shot at it, David E. Kelley has Coach Kevin say, "Milton, when was the last time someone was sexually attracted to you?" Ba dum bum. That kind of "zinger" is akin to drop-kicking a baby. Somewhere in here, Marilyn has line about how Milton is homophobic if he feels that way, but other people are talking at the same time. Man, is she getting shafted. Apropos of nothing, except perhaps the topic of sexual attraction, Harry says, "I'm going to go to Harper. I'm going to tell him about Dana Poole." What about her? "I kissed her." Harry leaves. "You kissed Dana Poole?" Yes. "He kissed Dana Poole?" Yes. Wait, I'm confused, did he kiss Dana Poole? Jesus. What are we, idiots? Need we hear everything eighty times?

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Boston Public




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