On the street, a bit later, Dick Teachie is explaining to the cops how Goat Boy came to be so very much unconscious. "I came home earlier than expected, and found him bangin' my fiancée here, and when I kinda startled him, he said he wanted to make a call, and so I passed him the phone." Makes sense to me.
Chez Peters. Anthony Heald eats fresh yummy cookies from the plate held out by The Hook Lady. She remarks, "I just love to watch you eat my cookies." Ew. Then she says, "Do you ever notice, it's after a romantic evening out, and a little wine, that you eat my cookies. It's the end of the night, and we reach that awkward 'what happens now' stage. You reach for the cookies to mitigate your uneasiness." She strokes his face with her hook. He says, "I'd take issue with that, if it weren't so accurate." She asks him to stay the night. He blanches. She asks, "Are you afraid Jeremy is going to pitter-patter into the room, and drop a planter on your head?" We know that won't happen, though, because the actor playing Jeremy is not listed in this week's credits. It's elementary, my dear readers. Anthony Heald says he's just nervous, so, to help him be less pressured, she puts his hand on her chest and says, "If you could read Braille, you'd know how excited I am right now." Ew. And THEN she busts out with, "Make love to me, Scott. I want you to ravage me." Hold on, what's the name of that magazine? The one that covers weekly happenings in the world of entertainment? Oh, that's right: EW! Anyhow, Scott says, "It's a school night."
Phat beats tell us it's morning-time at Winslow Higgety-HIIIIIIGH!
"That's what you said?" says Steven, his voice tinged with the specter of incredulity. "'It's a school night'?" He and Scott are in the Sanctum Stevenorium, trying some of that male bonding Scott's therapist recommended. "What was I supposed to say? 'I'm too frightened'?" Steven says yeah, sure, he should be honest. "What's the matter? Worried you won't perform?" Scott says that he hasn't made love to a woman in nine years. Which should put to rest at last the speculation in the forums regarding Guber's virginity. Also, he hits "woman" with just a shade too much emphasis in the sentence not to create a little ambiguity. Anyhow, Scott's fears include impotence and premature ejaculation, but he manages to hint at both without actually saying either (he uses the phrase "reach fruition.") Hey, this is primetime, people! Kids are watching! There's to be no mention of ejaculation, only of breast orgasms! These two problems are, of course, mutually exclusive, as well as contra-indicative, but Steven suggests Viagra for the former, and "desensitizing cream" for the later. And, good Lord above, I am watching two grown men discuss desensitizing cream and writing about it and I CANNOT. BRING MYSELF TO BELIEVE. THAT THIS IS WHAT I AM RECAPPING. Sars, what was that you said about a big raise? Or was that a dream I had? Maybe it was a dream, because we were talking about my big raise, and then we fell over a waterfall, and then we were on board Mir, and you starting dating this cosmonaut, and it was a whole big scandal it was probably a dream, I guess. Or WAS it? Aaaaanyways, Steven is up on the latest in desensitizing cream technology, because the anonymous school sex-columnist, Dear Helen, has apparently written about it. Also, Steven has a shoe on his desk, because The Shoe Lady brought it in when she complained about this latest column. Because, apparently, despite making nineteen thousand dollars a year, she can afford to buy shoes entirely for the purpose of waving them at people and then leaving them behind. Anyway, they agree that it's time to stop the column, and that Scott should tell The Hook Lady about his fears: "Scott, you think she doesn't have a few of her own?" Well said, Steven.