Boston Public
Chapter Twenty-Seven

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"I remember braces...ice cream nights."

Previous on Boston Public: The Shoe Lady complained about the sex column in the school paper, and The Exposition Fairy defended it; then, she defended it again; The Hook Lady and Anthony Heald smooched outside her place; Dick Teachie helped his class sue Harvey; Dick Teachie explained to Steven that this was a good idea because it instills civic responsibility, or something.

Boston by night. At a club, a pretty young thing is on the stage, singin' and dancin' like the next big teen pop icon. Her name is Cara Glynn, and we can tell because the song is nothing but a series of name-checks: "C to the A to the R to the A...my name is Cara, call me Miss Glynn if you're nasty…" Meh? Anyway, Lauren Davis is in the audience, bopping along, smiling the smile of someone who's happy to get a glimpse of what all the young people seem to be raising such a fuss about all the time. She's approached by a series of grungy but amiable young men who ask her to dance, but she turns them all down. She says to one, "I'm a schoolteacher." He replies, "Schoolteachers don't dance?" I think I saw that movie. Wasn't Meryl Streep in it? That's a joke.

Elsewhere. Chez Teachie, in fact, as Dick comes home after a long day of molding young minds. Immediately, the faint and unmistakable moans of nearby nookie are audible, and he walks, perplexed, to the door of what is presumably his bedroom. The door gets closer, and closer, until it opens, revealing…two people having sexual intercourse. I guess one of them is a friend of Dick Teachie's, or something, because she seems to recognize him. "Dan!" she says, and hops off some dude with a cheesy Satan goatee. Hey, maybe she's his girlfriend or something. She's never been mentioned before, so who can say? Goat Boy says, "Things are cool." Dick Teachie says, "Oh, things are cool? Things are cool?" Goat Boy says, "I'm outta here." And then, for some reason, "Where's the phone?" Dude, just leave. Honestly. But Dick Teachie is kind enough to say, "Oh, you want to make a call?" Then he tells his girlfriend to shut up, pulls the phone out of the wall, and throws it at Goat Boy's head, hitting him in the face really really hard and knocking him unconscious. Soon, it becomes apparent that Goat Boy is no longer breathing, and Dick Teachie tells his girlfriend to call for help. Skipping over the opportunity to make a joke about how the phone has been ripped from the wall, Girlfriend goes for her cell and calls 911. Meanwhile, Dick Teachie performs CPR, and again the opportunity for a good joke is squandered, since, moments ago, his girlfriend's mouth was exactly where Dick Teachie's is now. How ironic. Anyhoo, Goat Boy starts breathing again, but doesn't wake up. Dick Teachie slaps him a few times, but gently.

On the street, a bit later, Dick Teachie is explaining to the cops how Goat Boy came to be so very much unconscious. "I came home earlier than expected, and found him bangin' my fiancée here, and when I kinda startled him, he said he wanted to make a call, and so I passed him the phone." Makes sense to me.

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Boston Public

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