Boston Public
Chapter Twenty-Six

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By Hook or by Brooke

The hallway. The Hook Lady has reported to Scott the details of her conversation with Marla, and so the scene begins with Scott asking, incredulously, "You're sure you didn't mishear?" No, she is sure Marla referred to her as The Hook Lady, but Scott assures her that that is not her nickname around the school. Just then, Harvey approaches, wanting to know why the school has not procured a lawyer to defend him. Scott explains that he intends to argue Harvey's case himself, at least in the initial stages. "It's a trick!" But Scott assures him he's for real, so Harvey goes away, but not without first greeting The Hook Lady. "Hello, Hook Lady." Marla approaches, and the sparks fly between her and the Hook Lady…blah blah you have a hook…blah blah you're fat…rrreeeeowwrrr fft fft hsssss. It's like a road trip with Hobey. Not that I've been on one; I'm just saying. Anyway, Marla's crusade for the day has to do, in fact, with the food-vending machines. Apparently, they contain unhealthy food, and are therefore a hazard, and she's all combative and confrontational, and Scott tells her to make an appointment and come to his office. The Hook Lady gives Marla a creepy look. I wonder if she's crazy.

The Un-geon. One of Ronnie's students is explaining why it's stupid that they have to know dates from history…no, he's explaining why he shouldn't have to read a history book that's full of lies…no, wait, he's explaining why they shouldn't have to read Shakespeare. Whatever. It's from the David Kelley cookie-cutter "disgruntled yet well-informed student" speech file. "Lemme tell you something about Shakespeare. I know a lot about Shakespeare, see, he was a playwright." Shout-out? Probably not. I'm a playwright, though. I mean…when I'm not recapping. "He sat down with his little quill with one goal in mind." To meet girls? "To fill seats." Oh, man, this guy doesn't know a thing about playwriting. And yet, he keeps talking. "I mean, just like every playwright who's scared the house is gonna close, he's threw in the sex, and the death, and the gay stuff, hey, he even threw in some of the mother-son kinky gay stuff. I mean, a lot of this crap is the same, and we don't wanna say it because it's 'Shakespeare.' And I'm sick of schools jammin' him. And I'm sick of actors, after they do Lethal Weapon, doin' him. Take the guys books, put 'em on the shelf, and if we wanna read 'em, fine. But I don't think schools should be jammin' him." The other students applaud this upstart, who, for reasons which I think are self-explanatory, I shall call Kit Marlowe. Ronnie ponders this turn of events. Then she pulls out a knife and stabs Kit Marlowe above the eye. Not really, but that's how Kit Marlowe died, so…hey, um…where was I?

Sanctum Non-Stevenorium. Steven and X are in the principal's office at Brooke's school, as the principal explains to Brooke that "that goat would be alive, well, and chewing his cud, if you had not tried to spirit him away." Apparently, she stole the goat, who was the school mascot, and "liberated" him into oncoming traffic, as part of a protest against the school team being the Rebels, "as in 'the South shall rise again' Rebels, as in 'the Confederate flag' Rebels…" She makes a good point, though killing the goat was likely not the way to go. Anyway, her principal looks pained, which is an expression Steven ought to recognize and sympathize with. But he doesn't.

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Boston Public

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