I got off amazingly easy for my first week of Briiiiiiiiiiiiidezillas. (Because apparently, that's the only way to pronounce that word.) We're back with Angela, and Mr. Stupidhead's assessment of her was spot-on. She's cool and has a great sense of humor, her maid of honor is awesome, and she and her husband-to-be seem in love and on top of everything. The single problem she has is a bridesmaid threatening to no-show, but I guess that's a fake-out since they, oh, NEVER give any sort of resolution to that problem, and I assume she showed with no fuss. John plays some jokes on her, she laughs at them, she looks amazing, and her wedding is beautiful. Seriously, that was an hour of watching someone I liked immediately have a beautiful day and marry someone she loves. The casting agent must have forgotten what show this was supposed to be.
We then meet Shelayna and Bart, who appear to be doing a mostly D.I.Y. wedding. Shelayna can get kind of screechy, but Bart seems kind of immature and a little like some sort of puppy you have to kind of watch over at all times or else he'll get in trouble and accidentally eat your shoes because he's bored. There's some Bridezilla potential, but I'm saving final judgment until next week which, according to the promo, should be filled with much more angst than this one. Oh, and if my boss ever gives me a toast where he implies I'm making a huge mistake, and he clearly thinks we won't last? I'm throwing the champagne in his face. And finding a new job. Dude, don't throw her a party if you really are that opposed to the occasion.
Cheap twangy music, a plastic longhorn head attached to a hay bale, a giant truck, and a wooden sign that says "howdy" all mean that this week, we're in Texas. We're introduced to Bart and Shelayna and told all about how he loved her "sparkling personality" and her "sparkling smile." That might just actually be some of her frosted eye shadow blinding you there, Bart. Despite wearing too much makeup, she's got a nice smile and they seem companionable. She goes through the usual description of how he was just what she wanted, and he adds in a slow drawl that she's perfect because he's got so many faults. "She keeps me in order." Remember this later. I guarantee it will come into play. He then adds, "She is the button in the cap of kindness." Why...yes. Do caps have buttons? Wait, what? He goes on joking about perfection and she's smiling and rubbing his hand, and despite the fact that they both seem a tad annoying, they also seem happy with each other.
For the first time of many, we see a clip of Bart roping his hay-bale steer as the Mindy, the narrator (who I know from the local news years ago, and so now I picture her every time I hear her voice and also kind of hold her responsible for the asinine dialogue, and therefore will just refer to her as "Mindy" since it's easier to type than "Narrator"), explains, "Bart didn't want to let the love of his life slip away, so he popped the question in a way Shelayna would never forget." What she won't forget is that she was buck-naked coming out of the shower and found him on one knee. That line also sounds a little bit like she was about to walk out the door and so he proposed to keep her, but nothing like that is ever implied again, so it might be my cynical mind reading too much into the thought-provoking narration on this show. Now three years since he asked, they're getting married at Falkenstein Castle in Burnet, Texas. Bart adds that he wanted to be married by Vegas in Elvis (my kind of man) and she playfully pretends to smack him as she laughs. That's already the third time she's done this; I feel like it should be some sort of drinking game. One drink if Shelayna play-slaps Bart. Two drinks if there's a point made about one of the couples and then is never followed up again on the show. Although I guess you couldn't really do that for two drinks because you'd be shit-faced before the episode was even half over. Fine, I'll do this sober.