Okay, so judging by the Flamenco Guitar of Ultimate Racism on the soundtrack, I'm going to assume we're about to meet someone of Latin descent. What do you know! I'm def totes right. It's Kristina Torres, who's getting married in "a little more than a week." She and fiancÃ© -- Rob, who's a marine -- met in Rosarita, Mexico, when he asked a friend of hers to dance. Apparently, her friend did not share the same taste in thick-necked duders as Krissy, so Rob got passed around like a doobie until he and Krissy's eyes met, and it was like at first sight. Rob: "The smile got me and the eyes drew me in. It was love." I'll be honest. He doesn't seem like a bad guy. He actually seems pretty friendly. But I hope he's prepared to deal with this girl, because she is a complainer, big time.
When asked about the wedding, Krissy says, "I want 110% [sic] attention on me." But Mindy seems to think her mother has "a different plan in mind." Krissy: "My mom might try to steal my spotlight." Okay, now, you all know I'm not in love with the idea that a wedding is All About The Bride. However. It is more about the couple doing the deed than not, and any parent who uses the occasion as a spotlight for themselves is just a raging buttflap who deserves to burn from the heat of a thousand suns. Let's meet Mom, shall we?
"My dress that I'm wearing for the ceremony will be conservative, while the dress I'm getting for afterwards will be more revealing." Which...gross. Then, a shot of her at the dress shop: "I want something sexy...very very sexy. I'm going to walk in and everyone is going to say 'woohoo, look at Julie.'" No, they won't, because they'll be either too busy puking their pants or trying to gouge their eyeballs out with the nearest cocktail sword or sharp-cornered spinach pastry, you hog. Mindy? "Get ready for a full-on clash of the Titans!" Goddammit, Mindy. I trusted you! Well, no, not really. Jules (M'Zill) and Kris (B'Zill) are having it out. Jules (complaining): "You're going to look pretty in all the pictures." Kris: "I'm supposed to be, though! It's my wedding!"
Mindy, I can hear you salivating for that sweet, Climb-Uppy goodness from here. Go to: "In this corner, she's overbearing...totally controlling...Mooooomzilla from hell." There's no exclamation point because Mindy kind of phones it in. In fact, there's really no "kind of" about it. She sounds...ashamed, as well she should. Kris: "Is this your wedding, or my wedding?" Jules: "It's our wedding." No, it is not! Dude, this lady makes me want to punch infants. But, Mindy's not done: "Aaaaand, in this corner, she's over-stressed, an emotional mess. Briiiiiiidezilla." Mindy, where's the zeal? The zest, if you will? You used to have such spunk, but now you're just a corporate shill, just in it for the green. Fuck you, Mindy. Just show the fucking clips.