Dude, I know most of you aren't in New York, but there's this Select Dental commercial we have on Time Warner Cable that is so perfectly bad and low-budget that now I have to go to Select Dental. You can tell it's a local commercial that the cable provider just slaps on top of the network's because there's always that split second when it's over and the bookend of the original one shows through. Screw you, Swiffer WetJet. Select Dental's comin' through!
Back to Calisse, who seems to be bumpin' some Vivaldi in her black Explorer. She's at the salon for the "trial run of her bridal hairdo." Mindy notices that she's "tired and cranky." Maybe her golden tiara's on a bit tight. Ladies, can we please give it a rest with the tiaras? The strapless craze I'm willing to overlook (mainly because my own bride wore strapless), but the mini crowns? Have got to go. Anyway, that lasted all of twenty seconds. Now she's back on the road, out to pick up a dress for her flower girl. There's some weirdness with the parking, but she doesn't care. She's in and out pretty quickly, but once she's back in the car, and driving, she notices that the dress is three sizes too small. So she heads back to the store, noticeably pissed, to get the correct size, which the guy doesn't have, of course. I'd be pissed, too, honestly. She paid the guy the day before to have the right dress in the right size, and now he's telling her to come back Monday, which clearly isn't an option. After she rants at him for a while, he tells her to call the police, which, what the...? "Yeah, he said 'call the police.' After I sock you I'll call the police!" Heh. Good one. So, he gives her twenty bucks off another dress, which she doesn't like as much, but she has no other option. Apparently, it only costs $35, which isn't that bad. I don't get spending a lot of money on a flower girl dress. What's the point? They're just going to outgrow it and stain it and shit. They're kids! "The new dress is okay, but it's not what I envisioned." Oh, well, dude. Them's the breaks.
Back to the Torreseseses, and the Land of A Thousand La Vida Loca Ripoffs. God, they really need to fire their music editor. Awful. Mindy: "Today, Kristina's mom visits a dress shop with plans to steal Kristina's thunder." Mindy...don't make me say it. M'Zill: "I'm looking for the hottest, sexiest dress that I can possibly fit in." Okay, gross, and...gross. "I have an elegant, champagne-colored dress for the ceremony, but I don't think it'll work for the reception." First of all, that dress is not elegant. That shit is fug. It puts the "anus" in "heinous." When M'Zill asks for something with a higher slit, the woman at the shop almost barfs, seriously. She's totally shocked that she would ask for that. Kris interviews that she's worried her mom "might try to steal my spotlight." Do ya think? M'Zill: "I'm not going to tell anyone that I'm going to change." Gee, is that because you know how wrong it is? Dipshit. Dude, the dress she picks is so goddamn ugly I can't even describe it. You have to have seen it. Terrible cut, way too much cleavage. Totally accentuates her fupa. I'm crying. "I want everyone to look at me." Victor: "Oh, they'll be lookin', alright." Heh. I love that guy. I have no idea who the fuck he is, but I like him. I think he's M'Zill's boyfriend, but I'll forgive him. Anyway, she looks terrible, but is clearly so delusional that she's convinced herself that she looks good. Nope, still don't pity her. She asks Victor, "Do I look fat?" The way he stammers and stutters through his response just made me snarf my seltzer, and now my nose is all tingly and burny. The answer, despite what comes out of Victor's mouth, is a resounding "yes."