We only see enough of Dana to learn that she fights with her daddy and doesn't like to fuss after every detail of her fiancÃ©'s arrangements. Mostly, we spend the hour with Malia, who is finally getting married and (one hopes) going away. She's got the celebrity hairdresser, the celebrity makeup artist (who made up George Bush the elder, and who works on The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody -- eeeeeee!), the celebrity astrologer, the celebrity DJ, and on and on and on. She's trying to get Oprah to come to her wedding as a celebrity guest. I'm really surprised Oprah doesn't show. Malia also makes Rich go for celebrity Botox, and she encourages him to get a celebrity tattoo. (Two words for you, Rich: "Wino Forever.") When we finally get to Malia's wedding, we learn that the final celebrity item at the ceremony is her celebrity veil, which came from Cousin It. Dude, seriously. You can't even see her. It's like a veil in a comedy where they don't want to give away the fact that under the veil, it's secretly Adam Sandler. What the hell? Malia spends most of the hour (1) not realizing that "bling bling" is over; (2) saying "celebrity"; (3) being drunk at her bachelor party; (4) bossing Rich around; (5) making everyone hate her; and (6) talking about how she wants her boobs to look really awesome. That's basically her top priority for her wedding day -- how will "the girls" look? All the rest is just spiritual mumbo-jumbo, and hey, seriously -- who cares?
Man, oh, man. So, a little birdie who shall remain nameless has informed me that Malia is/was friends with one of the producers (who was apparently fired halfway through her segment), and that's how Malia ended up on the show. Said birdie also alleges that, although Malia didn't think the show would even air (which, duh...third season), she used to opportunity to "pump" her "vendors" and get a whole bunch of shit for free, like her wedding band, her "couture" (yeah right) dress, and a bunch of her other "celebrity" services. Does this make her more or less of a whore? Just because I don't like her, I'm going to say "more." Well, that and because she ragingly traded in what was left of her dignity for goods and services of a predetermined monetary value. On with the show!
So, we all know about how "31-year-old starlet in waiting" Malia met Rich. Actually we don't, but we've already been through this twice, so I'll spare you. "Malia is planning an A-list celebrity wedding." Yeah, except...no. Malia: "I am most obsessed with getting a celebrity at my wedding." Yes, as you've made abundantly clear. She goes on to explain how she has "run through the gamut" of her various "celebrity" service-people, and Mindy brings it on home by reminding us that it's all "complete with a celebrity husband." Sorry, but again I have to say "no." He's not a celebrity. Most "former major-league pitchers" aren't really celebrities, Mindy. Why am I bothering with this? It's literally the same shit they've been showing the past two weeks to introduce these two. God, how boring.
Mindy, I'd like an order of BZ with a side of Climbup: "Will Malia be able to keep her feet on the ground? Or will she become an over-spending, card-maxing, attention-grabbing, out-of-control Briiiiiiidezilla?" My guess is the latter. Clippies! "I'm gonna fuckin' drag you fuckin' down with me." "This is bullshit." "Rich is gonna flip out." "[hyperventilating dramatically]" "You're holding the frickin' reigns!" "Get in the limo, now!" "No fair!" "Oh my Gawd!" Ech, hate. "It's all about exploiting me!" So, you had no idea, huh? Really? Because the show is called fucking Bridezillas, you simpleton, and it's not a sizzle reel. Get a clue. Enjoy your free shit.
"Today, Malia and Rich discuss some wedding details over lunch." ...At the same orange-walled place they seem to always eat at. After a shot of Malia slugging back what is probably her eighteenth glass of wine, Rich asks her where the hell she got her stupid, pink-jewel-encrusted telephone. "I like the bling bling, it's me!" "Bling bling"? Dude, 1999 called, and it's pissed. And not because Y2K was such a letdown. Anyway, Malia then mentions her tiara, which...barf, and Rich wonders aloud, "Who's wearing the tiara?"