Malia: Are you kidding?
Rich: No. It better not be you! That shit is corny, and I won't allow it!
Malia: Well, Edgar's of Hollywood is giving it to me for free if I mention him as a "celebrity tiara-maker" at least fourteen times, so eat shit, Rich! I'm getting the fucking tiara!
Rich: Really? Because I'd rather suck farts out of dead chickens than marry your trifling ass!
I'm sorry, you guys. That's actually not at all what happens. Instead, Malia answers, "The bride wears the tiara," but in such a condescending fashion that I would love to smack the taste out of her mouth. Now, I'm sure she'd have us believe that it was just her acting up for the cameras, giving the producers what they want. But if she could act that well, she really should have some sort of acting career. "I am gonna have the bling bling of all tiaras." Dude, it's the '90s again. It says it really needs to talk to you and that it's really important. Don't make me lie and say you're not here.
Next, Malia corners Rich with a discussion about how her hair should look, and it's clear that she wants him to say "up," but he keeps saying "down," and she keeps getting pissed. Like, just fucking tell him how you want it! Stop trying to give him this thinly-veiled illusion of choice! He doesn't care, I guarantee! Malia says, "Honey. Ninety-nine percent of women do their hair in an up-do for their wedding." Now, that would have been a perfect time for Factzillas to break form and totally interrupt her with the actual statistic, but Bridezillas being what it is (read: a bad show), the Factzillas are nowhere to be seen. It's a shame, too. It would have been the only time I would have liked to see them. But hey, what can you do? ... Not watch, you say? Hmm. Yeah, not an option for me, sorry to say. Rich: "I'm over this. Can we go now?" Boy, do I feel you, there, my brother. What do you see in this chick? I think you're actually pretty cool. But what do I know? I'm just a couch potato.
Okay, I'm calling Malia "Narbo" from this point forward. I forgot to mention that I got an email from someone else named Malia, who was worried (and rightfully so) that Malia Rivera would sully what is an otherwise lovely name. So, since I referred to Miss Rivera as a "narbo" last week, "Narbo" it is. Don't know what a narbo is? Then, you've got some serious old-school Degrassi to catch up on, broomhead. Also, it has nothing to do with the Network of Asian River Boat Organizations, seriously. Just know this: it's supposed to be an insult.